The last day of my twenties...and I find myself alone on my couch. The baby's asleep and Brian is out with a friend.
I felt sorry for myself for a minute - but then I realized that I RARELY get to be alone these days. And alone in my own
house is even better! So I'm embracing this time as mine, mine, mine.
Tomorrow, I turn 30. And I'm SO ready! I loved my twenties, but I have a glimpse of what my 30's are going to be like and I. am. PSYCHED.
If someone had asked me on this day ten years ago what my life would be like today, my most optimistic guess would have fallen way short. I could not have
hoped for myself then the reality that I've
created for myself today.
10 years ago I was miserable, lonely, and self-destructing. I was making horrible decisions about men, friends, money, etc. My day-to-day reality was grueling and stomach-churningly uncomfortable. I didn't know who I was or what I wanted. I was in a lot of ways an emotional cripple. I knew how to get drunk and have a good time but had no idea how to make good friends. I knew how to use people and let myself be used. I knew how to fall miserably in love with the wrong people. I've always been smart, funny, and spirited. But my TRUE self was hidden back then.
Tonight as I rocked my baby girl to sleep, I teared up from the overwhelming wave of gratitude that washed over me. I couldn't have guessed that a "normal" existence could be so fulfilling. I would never have thought that "settling down" would give me such a deep satisfaction. I thought that life had to be super exciting, filled with death-defying adventure at all times. I thought
that was the way to be happy.
In fact, if you had asked me on this very night ten years ago if I would ever get married and have kids, I would have laughed and said, "Hell no!"
It's not that I've become some guru in the last ten years or that I've got everything figured out. It's just that I've been lucky/blessed/smart enough to make a couple of really big, really good choices.
- I left school when things got shitty and took a break from it all.
- I went back to school and graduated with a new group of friends and a new outlook.
- I fell in love with the RIGHT person....and hung on for dear life.
- I did the work to get over being afraid of marriage.
- I stopped tolerating being treated poorly by bosses (and risked my career to leave a job where I was being professionally abused).
- I learned (and continue to learn) that my needs are not negotiable and that when I believe in my own needs, I surround myself with people who are okay with them.
- I decided that living in a place that had a "B-" quality of life for me wasn't good enough. And moved.
And by far best of all, I decided to get pregnant and have a baby. That experience alone makes my twenties worthwhile. I used to judge women who said that they never knew joy until they had kids. But I
get it now....I've felt LOTS of joy in my life before becoming a mom. This is just a different, all-encompassing joy.
So my 30th birthday present to myself is to look around at my life and say, "Good job, kid."
There isn't anyone in the world I'd rather hang out with than my husband, daughter, and pets. There isn't anywhere else I'd rather be than in my own home, with the baby monitor on, sipping decaf coffee. There isn't a marriage, a house, a son/daughter of anyone else's that I wish I had instead of my own. And that's a pretty damn good place to be.
I can hope that my 30's will bring more of the same....more moments of gratitude, joy, and serenity. More wonderful people drifting in and out of my life at will. More laughter. More challenges and victories as a parent. More times of joy and heartache in my marriage. In short, more of this incredibly full LIFE I have today.
