Pissed

I know I have to talk about my feelings more.

Today, I got mad and really, truly disliked B because I felt like he withheld some things from me about the adoption.

I felt immediately better when I told him that the lack of communication is wrong and dishonest and that I deserve more.

But I’m between a rock and a hard place. I mean – what do you do when your partner doesn’t want something that you need?

I’ve been pregnant twice and both times he was too….whatever….to be excited. Both times I felt terribly alone. Now we’re adopting and he’s once again terrified. And I once again feel terribly alone. And I’m not even pregnant this time!

I don’t believe he wants to adopt. And that’s a terrifying concept because I know that one of the reasons I was put on this earth was to adopt.

He waits until the last possible moment to tell anyone anything. And then resents you for getting pissed off about it. And then blames your anger for why he doesn’t say anything in the first place.

I want a husband that is excited that we are growing our family. I want a husband that TALKS to me about how he’s feeling. I want a husband that doesn’t blame me for everything. I don’t have that husband today.

Growing your family is such a happy thing – I don’t get what his problem is. He’s never excited about anything. Well, actually, that’s not true. He got VERY excited over his new guitar.

I told him today that I was adopting with or without him. I knew before I said it that I should keep my mouth shut. But I said it anyway. I know I need to apologize for that but I just can’t fucking stand him right now. His crippling fear makes me lose respect for him.

It doesn’t help that I’m really sick. I think tomorrow will be a semi-sick day for me – and even though I’ve been sick for several days, B is no help.

I hate being married today. I just want him to go away and leave me alone for a while.