GirlRy

2010-02-26T08:25:00.005-07:00

If I were a professional blogger, today's blog would go a little something like this…

A friend recently suggested that I see a dermatologist for a full body scan. This basically means that a dermatologist looks at every inch of your skin, scalp to toes, and checks for anything irregular. With ridiculously fair Irish skin and a family history of skin cancer, I decided it was a good idea.

So I checked in to my friendly neighborhood dermatologist's office for my appointment this morning. I was a little nervous, I'm not gonna lie. I wasn't so much afraid of an unruly mole or an irregular freckle; it was more about having to show my heiney to a doctor. Just keepin' it real, folks.

The doctor tries to make things more comfortable. She starts with my hands and arms, making chit chat. She comments that I have a bunch of ink on my fingers and I explain that a pen exploded in my pocket last night and I can't scrub out the ink. It's a pleasant, light conversation….the only kind you want to have knowing that your derriere is about to hit the light of day.

Then I turn over. And even though I'm covered in a paper sheet, I can feel the anxiety creeping up. The moment of dread arrives; the doctor tells me she's going to "just pull the sheet down a bit." I braced, felt the cold air on my tush, and the next thing I heard, I will never forget:

"Holy CROW what is THAT??"

My first thought was that she had just uncovered some sort of alien growing out of my backside and I had somehow failed to notice it. It was all I could do to not JUMP off the table and hide my heiney in shame.

But I didn't. Instead I apprehensively asked, "What is it?!?!"

And then the doctor started laughing. And no, I'm not kidding --she was laughing out loud. It was a lot like my worst nightmare coming to life. At this point, I decided to wrap my booty back up in the 1/8" thick paper sheath and retain whatever withering shread of dignity I had left. I sat up.

Immediately, she realized what was going on and started apologizing profusely. And she explained that she saw something on my backside that she hadn't ever seen before. (GREAT.) Apparently there was a very large, irregular, mishapen dark blue blotch on my bum. She was shocked at first, until she realized that the ink I referenced from a conversation earlier must have exploded in my BACK POCKET, leaving a lark ink stain on my ass.

So do I have skin cancer? No. An alien growing out of my tuckus? Nope. Just a huge ink stain on my butt that I never saw but scared the crap out of my dermatologist.

And that, friends, is how today STARTED. No telling how it will end.

2008-12-07T19:43:00.001-07:00

So I'm tired but I wanted to just document the quick update.

B and I had a fantasic fight this weekend. And by fantasic - I mean really productive. I think we got things boiled down to the need to talk more. Not about Sophie or groceries or the bills - but about ourselves. What's on our mind or not on our mind.

And it feels good to not be angry anymore.

Pissed

2008-11-30T17:07:00.000-07:00

I know I have to talk about my feelings more.

Today, I got mad and really, truly disliked B because I felt like he withheld some things from me about the adoption.

I felt immediately better when I told him that the lack of communication is wrong and dishonest and that I deserve more.

But I’m between a rock and a hard place. I mean – what do you do when your partner doesn’t want something that you need?

I’ve been pregnant twice and both times he was too….whatever….to be excited. Both times I felt terribly alone. Now we’re adopting and he’s once again terrified. And I once again feel terribly alone. And I’m not even pregnant this time!

I don’t believe he wants to adopt. And that’s a terrifying concept because I know that one of the reasons I was put on this earth was to adopt.

He waits until the last possible moment to tell anyone anything. And then resents you for getting pissed off about it. And then blames your anger for why he doesn’t say anything in the first place.

I want a husband that is excited that we are growing our family. I want a husband that TALKS to me about how he’s feeling. I want a husband that doesn’t blame me for everything. I don’t have that husband today.

Growing your family is such a happy thing – I don’t get what his problem is. He’s never excited about anything. Well, actually, that’s not true. He got VERY excited over his new guitar.

I told him today that I was adopting with or without him. I knew before I said it that I should keep my mouth shut. But I said it anyway. I know I need to apologize for that but I just can’t fucking stand him right now. His crippling fear makes me lose respect for him.

It doesn’t help that I’m really sick. I think tomorrow will be a semi-sick day for me – and even though I’ve been sick for several days, B is no help.

I hate being married today. I just want him to go away and leave me alone for a while.

2008-07-16T11:34:00.002-07:00

Yesterday was pretty tough. It was hard to sit with the feelings of loss and grief all day. But I knew that as the day went on and I got busy, I would be okay.

Brian, Sophie, and I went to a local nursery and picked out some gorgeous climbing rose bushes to plant in our memorial garden.

We turned the soil to make sure the roses have a happy place to live. Today we are going to mulch to make sure they can absorb all the moisture from the soil.

I also treated them with anti-black spot and miracle grow so they will bloom through the fall.

It felt good to DO something yesterday that was in honor of the baby we lost. (And technically, we didn't LOSE the baby, he/she died.)

It felt good to get dirty. And then get clean afterwards.

Missing

2008-07-14T18:59:00.002-07:00

My second baby died in January. And tomorrow is my original due date.

I feel the absence of this baby. I feel the aching void.

And it's not that I wanted A baby....I wanted THAT one.

I couldn't save him.

2007-09-27T07:19:00.000-07:00

Bye Bye, 20's!

2007-06-28T16:58:00.000-07:00

The last day of my twenties...and I find myself alone on my couch. The baby's asleep and Brian is out with a friend.

I felt sorry for myself for a minute - but then I realized that I RARELY get to be alone these days. And alone in my own house is even better! So I'm embracing this time as mine, mine, mine.

Tomorrow, I turn 30. And I'm SO ready! I loved my twenties, but I have a glimpse of what my 30's are going to be like and I. am. PSYCHED.

If someone had asked me on this day ten years ago what my life would be like today, my most optimistic guess would have fallen way short. I could not have hoped for myself then the reality that I've created for myself today.

10 years ago I was miserable, lonely, and self-destructing. I was making horrible decisions about men, friends, money, etc. My day-to-day reality was grueling and stomach-churningly uncomfortable. I didn't know who I was or what I wanted. I was in a lot of ways an emotional cripple. I knew how to get drunk and have a good time but had no idea how to make good friends. I knew how to use people and let myself be used. I knew how to fall miserably in love with the wrong people. I've always been smart, funny, and spirited. But my TRUE self was hidden back then.

Tonight as I rocked my baby girl to sleep, I teared up from the overwhelming wave of gratitude that washed over me. I couldn't have guessed that a "normal" existence could be so fulfilling. I would never have thought that "settling down" would give me such a deep satisfaction. I thought that life had to be super exciting, filled with death-defying adventure at all times. I thought that was the way to be happy.

In fact, if you had asked me on this very night ten years ago if I would ever get married and have kids, I would have laughed and said, "Hell no!"

It's not that I've become some guru in the last ten years or that I've got everything figured out. It's just that I've been lucky/blessed/smart enough to make a couple of really big, really good choices.

- I left school when things got shitty and took a break from it all.
- I went back to school and graduated with a new group of friends and a new outlook.
- I fell in love with the RIGHT person....and hung on for dear life.
- I did the work to get over being afraid of marriage.
- I stopped tolerating being treated poorly by bosses (and risked my career to leave a job where I was being professionally abused).
- I learned (and continue to learn) that my needs are not negotiable and that when I believe in my own needs, I surround myself with people who are okay with them.
- I decided that living in a place that had a "B-" quality of life for me wasn't good enough. And moved.

And by far best of all, I decided to get pregnant and have a baby. That experience alone makes my twenties worthwhile. I used to judge women who said that they never knew joy until they had kids. But I get it now....I've felt LOTS of joy in my life before becoming a mom. This is just a different, all-encompassing joy.

So my 30th birthday present to myself is to look around at my life and say, "Good job, kid."

There isn't anyone in the world I'd rather hang out with than my husband, daughter, and pets. There isn't anywhere else I'd rather be than in my own home, with the baby monitor on, sipping decaf coffee. There isn't a marriage, a house, a son/daughter of anyone else's that I wish I had instead of my own. And that's a pretty damn good place to be.

I can hope that my 30's will bring more of the same....more moments of gratitude, joy, and serenity. More wonderful people drifting in and out of my life at will. More laughter. More challenges and victories as a parent. More times of joy and heartache in my marriage. In short, more of this incredibly full LIFE I have today.

Country Living

2007-06-23T06:07:00.001-07:00

This morning Brian and Moxie found three (THREE!) mice in our house. One was dead in our kitchen. One was crawling up the screens in our screened-in porch and one was scampering about the living room like she owned the place. I call her "she" because she was THAT brazen - a little mouse diva, if you will.

Brian removed the dead one and we decided not to worry about the little guy on the porch. So we focused our attentions on the little miss diva in our living room. Moxie had already staked at the joint and at one point even had the diva mouse in her mouth. Somehow, little miss thang got away. Foiled again, Moxie.

Brian fearlessly approached the diva mouse with a gloved hand and an empty splenda bag while I stood on the couch and took pictures. The mouse hid at the bottom of a radiator, in the corner. Not such a diva NOW!

Brian moved in.

Moxie followed.

Brian swooped the mouse into the bag and promptly took it outside. We agreed to let it go in the field. We aren't barbarians, people, we couldn't kill the thing with our bare hands.

So off the neighbor's field Brian went. Most likely, the poor diva mouse will get eaten by a hawk in no time but at least WE didn't kill it right?

After coming inside, all Brian could say was, "Fuckin' Country Livin'!"

Don't believe me? Well, I happened to get the whole thing on VIDEO.

I also took lots of pics:

Locating Diva Mouse...

Moxie staking out the joint....(ignore the dust bunnies!)

The diva mouse....

The mouse goes free (to be eaten shortly by a hawk)...

Untitled

2007-05-07T06:19:00.000-07:00

Gratitude

2007-04-26T07:38:00.000-07:00

We had a really scary thing happen yesterday and I'm still shaken up about it.

On our way home from dinner last night we were stopped at a red light on when a pick up truck smashed into us. I have never jumped out of the car to get into the back seat so fast in my life. Sophie was terrified but okay. We took her to the ER to get checked out (and Brian hit his head pretty good too, so we wanted to be in a hospital just in case) and thankfully, the doctor said she was fine.

Understandably, I couldn't stop crying. The guy that hit us was just a kid - driving his grandmother's truck. He apparently leaned over to pick up his CD player that had fallen on the floor, didn't see the red light (or us) and just rammed into us. Unbelievable.

Brian's on the phone with the insurance company now - it looks like the kid may not insured so we are going to eat the $500 deductible to get the car fixed. Bummer. Also - our airbags didn't deploy but the airbag light is on. The insurance company just told Brian that the airbags tend to deploy on their own after an accident. SCARY! Needless to say, we are having the car towed.

And in addition to all of that, we have to get a new baby car seat.....today. We kept Sophie home from day care since we were at the ER until after 11pm and she was up the whole time. We both have had to take the day off of work to take care of all this stuff....

So now the reality of dealing with the event is settling in and it's a major inconvenience. Not to mention that we are still reeling from the experience of being in an accident with Sophie in the car. It keeps playing over and over in my head.

The bottom line is that everybody is okay. And my gratitude knows no words and no limits for that. I'm not a worrier by nature, so I've never really pondered what it would feel like if something were to ever happen to Sophie or Brian. But facing that reality last night was terrifying. And I feel changed by it - not necessarily for the worse or for the better - but I just feel like a different person today.

2007-04-22T17:09:00.000-07:00

LOVE this song. I wish I could download an mp3 but i can't find it!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8jIRO2IR0iM

Five more minutes!!

2007-04-22T03:28:00.000-07:00

I've been up since 5am with little Miss Sophie. Cutting teeth is a painful, painful process and she just can't sleep. They say that if adults had to "grow" teeth like babies do, they would be on MAJOR pain meds. Unfortunately, the strongest thing I can give her is Infant Tylenol....and only every four hours. AND she can't ask for it or tell me when she's in pain - I just have to figure it out myself.

Poor kid.

It's one of those moments when you realize just how much your life has changed - it wasn't too long ago that I was GOING to bed at 5am, not getting out of it. And man, there isn't much you wouldn't do for just five. more. minutes. of sleep at that time of the morning.

When I was a baby, my parents had one of those old school rocking bassinets by their bedside. When I would start to fuss, they would have to get up, pick me up, and comfort me back to sleep. It only took them a few nights to devise a better way of rocking me back to sleep - they tied a dog leash to the bassinet and when I would start crying, they would gently tug on the leash to make the bassinet rock back and forth, lulling me back to sleep.

Parents of newborns will do ANYTHING for ten more minutes. five more minutes. ONE more minute of precious sleep.

But I'll tell you what - after all of the late nights and early mornings, it only takes ONE look at my little girl to realize that it's all worth it. She's the best thing I've ever done. Bar none.

2007-03-24T17:10:00.000-07:00

I think if I found this on my windshield, I would simultaneously laugh out loud AND feel ashamed.

http://youparklikeanasshole.com/notices/notice_1.pdf

I'm DEFINITELY printing this baby out and keeping copies in the glove compartment. I can't tell you how many times a week I see single dudes driving pick up trucks, parking in the spots "reserved for mothers with infants." Next time, homeboys are getting SERVED!

2 years!!!

2007-03-19T04:55:00.001-07:00

Hello GirlRy!

Your Quit Date is: Saturday, March 19, 2005 at 10:30:00 PM

Time Smoke-Free: 729 days, 7 hours, 49 minutes and 47 seconds

Cigarettes NOT smoked: 14587

Lifetime Saved: 3 months, 21 days, 10 hours

Money Saved: $2,555.00

2007-03-04T19:16:00.000-07:00

New videos!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bNaYfAmZOL4

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QZchniSvCXU

And new pictures!!

http://www.flickr.com/photos/13411558@N00/sets/72157594570186560/show/

2007-03-01T17:33:00.000-07:00

Letting go of the baby's schedule can be a real bitch. Brian and I had been bickering this past week about bedtime - he wants a hard and firm time and I'm more loosey goosey. And finally we realized that some nights bedtime will be within our control and sometimes it won't be. Period. A hard thing for both of us to accept....

I'm also realizing that being negative about other people feeds my ego in a yucky way. Gossiping and judging others gives me a vague sense of feeling better than others - even though it's an empty kind of feeling. Then later on, I just feel guilty and end up not liking myself for gossiping and being judgemental. So I lose twice....which is no fun.

Thankfully, I find myself feeling much more positive these days. Today, I can say that I am truly grateful for Zoloft. :) And I'm also grateful to not feel ashamed about taking it. There's been such a shift in the last couple of days for me. I know I'm not "out of the woods" with the depression, but it's SO refreshing to feel like I'm on the upswing.

I've been thinking about leaving my job and being a work at home mom. I would probably still do little projects here and there on an hourly basis for my company, just to keep my foot in the door and to give myself an outside focus. But the truth is, I don't really care about what I'm doing so it seems silly to spend so much time doing it. Of course, financially it would be a major lifestyle change for Brian and I if I stopped working (since we are equal wage earners).

I'm examining my willingness to live more simply...and to be honest, I'm not sure how that will end up. I like earning money and I like being able to buy and do things. And now that I'm feeling less overwhelmed, I find that I want to be home (with Sophie, and not working) more. I guess more will be revealed, right?

2007-02-23T11:24:00.000-07:00

I find myself undulating between feeling like everything is GREAT and I love my life and I'm good at everything to feeling like I am in WAY over my head and what the hell am I thinking trying to juggle parenthood, marriage, work, friendships, meetings, sponsees, etc. etc.?!!? What I'm learning is that it is really, really HARD to manage all of the balls that I have in the air - and that I'm doing it the best I know how. My sponsor has to keep reminding me to be gentle on myself. Ugh.

Sometimes it just seems like everyone else has it SO together. And I just feel lucky if I'm wearing clean underwear. Seriously.

Okay, that makes even ME laugh. Gratitude for clean underwear - guess I'm keeping it pretty simple these days, eh?

I find that I'm getting annoyed at the baby for the dumbest things - it's such a control thing for me. I will be in the middle of slicing vegetables for dinner or cleaning the kitchen or just catching up on some much needed down time, when Sophie wakes up from a nap. I get SO annoyed - and think it's so *unfair* that I can't finish one task or relax for one minute. Logically, I know it's not her fault and that she's just being a baby but in that moment, I'm not logical. I'm such a martyr! I know I just have to pray and let it go - that's so hard to do in the moment, though!

I am currently praying to have God remove some of my negativit. Part of the depression is feeling like a victim of my own life or feeling "terminally unique". Those feelings of negativity rob me of the joy that is all around me. At my most natural, I *love* being a mom even though it's hard. And I *love* being Brian's partner, even though he challenges me. I love our respective families too, even though being around them can be hard and sometimes painful.

I know that nothing in my situation needs to change for me to feel better - I just need to be open to an attitude adjustment and wait for the miracle. It's the waiting that's so darn hard.

Depression for me is like seeing my whole life through the eye of a needle. So now that the medication is kicking in, I feel my perspective getting bigger (as I remain the same size). It's a good feeling. No, it's a GREAT feeling.

Valentine's Day!

2007-02-15T06:21:00.000-07:00

We tried and tried to get a cute picture of Sophie and Marigold together on Valentine's Day. What we got was a slideshow of failed attempts.....enjoy! :)

http://www.flickr.com/photos/13411558@N00/sets/72157594537188708/show/

2007-02-09T09:04:00.000-07:00

She's a genius. This proves it.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZKi0QAOKhNU

I haven't figured out how to rotate a video, so it's sideways. But you'll get the idea. The kid is 6 months old and already does call and response.

YouTube Craze

2007-02-03T18:58:00.000-07:00

I've joined the YouTube craze! It turns out my camera does short videos, too. Check it out:

2007-01-24T17:31:00.000-07:00

Oh happy day! We found new day care for out little punkinhead! :)

Who knew such things would make me so happy....

Only three more days at the day care next week and then she'll be outta there forever. WOO HOO!!!!!

2007-01-15T11:29:00.000-07:00

Child care is expensive. It's really expensive. And it's one of those things in life that you DON'T always get what you pay for.

So it's incredibly frustrating when, after carefully selecting child care for your baby and going through the painful grieving process of leaving her with someone for the first time, you realize that the child care setting you've chosen is rapidly deteriorating. Rapidly. Deteriorating.

I hesitated in leaving my daughter at day care this morning. I walked in to the day care center (I still have a mild feeling of dread whenever I walk in the doors, knowing that I'm about to leave my daughter in the hands of someone who doesn't think she's the most precious thing in the world to them) today, navigated my way back to the infant room (which is about the size of most people's living rooms and dining rooms put together) and almost threw up. There they were - row upon row upon ROW of cribs. Fifteen cribs in all. That means FIFTEEN babies.

Let me clarify - when we started Sophie at this day care there were six babies and three adults watching them (one full time and two part time).

Now, with no notice, there are FIFTEEN babies and six adults watching them (1 full time, 5 part time).

What if there were a fire? There is NO WAY you could get fifteen babies out of that room, around all of those cribs, in a safe way in a short amount of time. No way.

There is also NO WAY you can tend to that many babies' feeding, changing and sleeping schedules. Period.

And, perhaps most importantly, is the sleep problem. Babies need sleep. It's a physiological fact. In order to grow, in order to develop, and in order to be their pleasant baby selves, they need several hours of sleep during the day. Now tell me, with fifteen babies, how you are going to be able to keep it quiet enough in there for babies to sleep!??!

It's a horrible situation.

And we don't have a back up. We don't know anyone that can take Sophie in the meantime. We don't have family that can step up to the plate for a couple of weeks while we find someone else.

I typically don't panic over small stuff - but this doesn't feel small. And I'm panicking. Brian and I both are. I'm leaving work early today to "drop in" and see how things are REALLY going. And I'm picking Sophie up early. And I'm not sure I'm bringing her back there again. Ever.

Erin is married!

2007-01-07T19:12:00.000-07:00

The happy (and gorgeous!) couple

My sister, Erin, got married yesterday in Chile! :)

http://www.flickr.com/photos/13411558@N00/sets/72157594466409570/show/

2007-01-07T19:10:00.000-07:00

Sophie eats green slime!!

http://www.flickr.com/photos/13411558@N00/sets/72157594466162936/show/

Christmas in Hilton Head, SC

2006-12-27T08:13:00.000-07:00

http://www.flickr.com/photos/13411558@N00/sets/72157594439379915/show/

Sunrise

2006-12-11T07:47:00.000-07:00

...from my bedroom window. (Something I see a lot more often than I did before becoming a mom!)

Hands down...

2006-12-08T18:35:00.000-07:00

...I have the cutest baby ever. Period.

JUST TRY IT

2006-12-08T09:30:00.000-07:00

Lost, anyone?

http://www.lost.eu/15f

What nobody tells you

2006-11-06T12:29:00.000-07:00

When you're tired, you take a nap.

When you're sick, you take a sick day.

But nobody ever tells you (beforehand) that once you're a mom, naps and sick days just don't happen.

I'm sick. It's just a cold, nothing major....but I NEVER get sick. So when I do, I'm a shitty patient. And feeling under the weather, not being able to breathe, having a severly sore nose from all the blowing, and a scratchy throat, is no fun. But add caring for a three month old to the equation and I'm just downright cranky.

I love my daughter - but on days like today, when it's 2:30 pm and I'm still in pajamas and wishing I could bang my head against a wall (or at 4am this morning when she woke up to nurse and I was in a cold-induced coma) - I wish I had a babysitter!!

Thank GOD Brian works from home. He made me the sick person lunch - chicken with stars soup (it's a must!), toast with butter, and a triple hot tea. Yummy. Then he finished cooking the dish I prepared last night but just hadn't gotten around to cooking this morning. Then he helped me get Sophie down for a nap. The man is a saint.

Honest to God, I don't know how single moms do it. And I'm not saying that to brag that I am in a relationship - I genuinely don't know how they do it!! If I were a billionnaire, I would take all the single moms and take them out to lunch, then get them all massages. At the very LEAST.

Back to the original point, though. Being sick SUCKS. Being sick while taking care of a baby sucks worse.

On that note, I hear miss sophie waking up from her nap. Maybe she'll cuddle with me on the couch for a bit....

parenting = ouch

2006-11-01T09:40:00.000-07:00

When I was little, I asked my mom how painful it was to have a baby. Her response was that giving birth was painful, but not nearly as painful as certain moments in parenthood. I remember thinking that she had no idea what she was talking about.

But this morning, I get it.

Today is my first day back at work. I'll be working three days a week and on those days, Sophie will be in day care. I've been preparing myself for the end of my maternity leave for a couple of weeks....but nothing could have prepared me for how difficult it would be to have to hand my daughter off to a relative stranger, give her a kiss, and walk out the door.

I never could have guessed the depth and gravity of the GRIEF that I would experience as a result of having Sophie being cared for by someone outside of our family. It's not about going back to work. It's not even about being apart from her.

I've had three months of nothing but she and I spending quality time together during the day. And during that time, I have carefully selected which experiences she had and which ones I to shield her from. Sophie, Brian, and I became a team - a unit. And now that those three months are up, I have to let go of the fact that I don't get to select her experiences anymore - I'm no longer in control of her journey.

In some ways, that's a beautiful thing. Today is the first day that she will have a life outside of the one that we share.

But the truth is, I wish she were older before she was subjected to the world on her own. Three months just seems so young. Too young. Too young to be in day care!

I keep reminding myself that my salary will go toward providing quality experiences for her - things like college and family vacations and a safe place to call home. It was near impossible to remember all of that this morning, though, when I had to walk out the door of the day care center without her.

It helps that Brian struggled with it, too. I really thought that he would be the tough one and that it wouldn't bother him too much (after all, he hasn't been sobbing for the last week at the mere mention of going back to work). But lo and behold, he was holding Sophie when it was time to go and Ana (the day care lady) said to him, "Can I take her now?" He welled up, turned away and said, "Not yet."

That was game over for me. Just seeing Brian fill up made me dissolve into a puddle. It took both of us every ounce of will power we had to let Sophie go and we were both sobbing as we left.

It's funny - there have been moments in the past three months when I have looked forward to today - looked forward to having a few hours without changing diapers or soothing a fussy baby or enjoying some plain old peace and quiet. But now that the day is here - I have to park myself in a Panera to work because there's no way I can be in our home without my baby being there.

It's 11:45 in the morning and I've only managed to work about thirty minutes. I'll be here another 45 min. or so before I go visit Sophie on my lunch break to nurse her. Then off to work for a few more hours and back to pick her up at 5pm.

It's amazing how parenting has transformed me. It's the best, hardest thing I've ever done.

But my mom was right: I'd choose being in labor over this kind of pain every day of the week and twice on Sunday.

There's hope for us all

2006-10-30T19:39:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, Brian and I hosted a reunion of our birthing class at our house. It was great - we got to see all six couples again AND meet their new babies. The oldest baby is four months and the youngest is about two months. Each baby was SO different and each couple had a totally different birth experience.

The couples are not homogeneous in any sense of the word - some are rich, some are of little means. Some are friendly, others standoffish. Some are open and others intensely private. One of the couples (well, the wife, anyway) seems decidedly unhappy, in fact, and often spouts off about the negative nature of things (the world, politics, particular groups of people, etc.)

Anyhoo - we ended our reunion by placing all of the babies side by side on our couch and taking lots of pictures. It was ADORABLE. There were two boys who kept leaning on each other (since their neck control isn't totally developed yet). It was the cutest thing - and we were all gawking at how beautiful it was to see two babies cuddling.

Then, the unhappy mother exclaimed (to her eight week old son), "Get off of him, Zack - don't be gay!!"

There was a very uncomfortable, pregnant pause as the whole room went silent. In that moment, it really could have gone either way....people could have laughed her comment off or even "amen-ed" it. But no one said a word.

The father of the OTHER cuddling boy baby scooped his son up and went into the kitchen (about five feet away), where Brian was standing. As he stood there, he held his baby up to eye level and said, "It's okay to be gay, Emerson. It's okay to be gay." This from a dad who happens to be a conservative Christian.

It was a hopeful moment.

Rabbi Shmuley

2006-10-30T13:28:00.000-07:00

Heck of a name, right?

Well, he's a best selling author. And I really dig not only his philosophy on life and parenting, but his and-there-you-have-it style of writing.

I've been underlying copious lines of his book, "Parenting with Fire." So far my favorite is, "Success in life is measured not by the quantity in our bank accounts but by the quality of our relationships, and the understanding that to be human is not to acquire - but to connect."

Good stuff, right?

Mothering Circle

2006-10-27T11:58:00.000-07:00

I am in a Mothering Circle, run by the same ladies who ran our Birthing From Within class. The Mothering Circle are five new moms and their babies, ranging from three weeks to 11 months old. The idea of the class is to support women as they learn to become mothers. It's a nurturing, non-judgemental environment (which, as it turns out, the world at large is NOT when it comes to being a new mom).

One of our activities this week was to write a letter to our partner, addressing the following prompts:

Something I want to tell you is that...
This transition feels like...
I deeply appreciate...
I still need...
I worry that....
I hope that.../I envision...

I wrote the following letter:

Dear Brian,

Something I want to tell you is that I really want to be a good partner to you in every sense, but right now I don't feel like I can be. I am quick to get frustrated, angry, and resentful and though I am constantly asking you for help with chores and tasks, I sturggle to reach out to you for the emotional support that I deeply need from you.

This transition feels like a new phase in our marriage. And though Sophie has brought an incredible amount of joy to our lives - I am also finding it harder than I expected to stay connected to me and to our marriage. It feels like I am grieving the relationship we had, without feeling able to celebrate the one we have today.

I deeply appreciate how present you are with Sophie. I deeply appreciate how committed you are to being a good father and partner. I deeply appreciate you working on yourself and bringing a more whole 'you' to our marriage and family. I deeply appreciate you taking ownership of certain household chores like the lawn, garbage, and kitty litter (pee-yew!).

I still need to feel like we are in this together. I still need to feel like - and be reminded that - you love me and are glad you married me and had Sophie. I still need to feel like we are both the engine behind this family - instead of me planning and delegating and you following directions.

I worry that I boss you around too much. I worry that I'm not a "whole" partner to you - that I'm two parts roommate and co-worker and only one part partner/lover/friend. I worry that you see me as a mom to Sophie more than a wife to you. I worry that you will feel trapped by all your responsibilities as a new dad and want to leave.

I hope that we can find common ground. I envision us turning off the tv more and cuddling up in front of a fire with hot chocolate, just being. I hope we can learn to vent our frustrations in a loving way. I hope that I can learn to balance being true to myself, being a good mom, and being a satisfying partner to you.

I love you and I want us to be happy - as individuals, as partners, and as a family.

___________________________________________________________________

Brian decided to write a letter to me (even though he's not in the Mothering Circle). His letter reads:

Something I want to tell you is that you are a really wonderful mother. It hurts to see you so sad about going back to work and having to put Sophia in daycare, but at the same time I am grateful to have found soemone that cares so deeply for her family and loves so much. I am sorry you are hurting.

This transition is harder that I expected it would be! Some days I feel like all I am doing is coping. In our relationship and with the responsibilities that come with caring for Sophia. Other days I feel on top of the world, it all depends on factors that are outside of my control too - which is frustrating at times. Also, I sometimes rely on my heart and gut to lead me in the right direction this is how I have figured things out in the past. I find that I am doing that a lot right now - but being a Dad isn't something you just figure out. I think over time I will. I won't be able to open up a book and be a great dad the next day, but with a little help - and patice about mistakes, I think it'll be good.

I deeply appreciate our commitment to each other. We have had a lot of difficult conversations over the last few months, but we have never withdrawn from our relatioship. I think we still have a lot to learn, but I am grateful for all that has happened in the year since we found out we were having Sophie. I am not deluded about how hard it was or how much it sucked at times, I'll be the first to admit that - I'm just glad we are here today, and grateful for everything we have been through.

I still need date night and time alone with you.

I worry about everything. Me, you, you and me, my weird dreams, the house (being too cold, too old, a tree falling on it...) Sophie getting sick, moving, my job, THE FUTURE!, etc...

I envision a time when we are more comfortable with ourselves and our life as a result of the emotional work we are each doing right now. I hope we will continue to do that work. I also hope that our relationship will be strenghtened by the work and that Sophie will have two incredible parents because of it. I hope we have a happy family.

So many pictures, so little time!

2006-10-08T17:59:00.000-07:00

I'm trying to ease back into the blogging thing - and it's so important for me to bear witness (in writing) to my experiences as a new mom.

Here is a photo blog of the journey so far:

First month:
http://www.flickr.com/photos/13411558@N00/sets/72157594248970153/show/

Second month:
http://www.flickr.com/photos/13411558@N00/sets/72157594276625495/show/

Third month (so far!):
http://www.flickr.com/photos/13411558@N00/sets/72157594304915183/show/

2006-07-19T06:30:00.000-07:00

Hello Ryan!

Your Quit Date is: Saturday, March 19, 2005 at 10:30:00 PM

Time Smoke-Free: 486 days, 7 hours, 40 minutes and 24 seconds

Cigarettes NOT smoked: 9726

Lifetime Saved: 2 months, 14 days, 7 hours

Money Saved: $1,704.50

2006-07-06T11:31:00.000-07:00

I've been afraid to write about family stuff on this blog in the past. I've been vague when I've written about trials with my family - or I've sought more private venues to air my concerns/frustrations/heartache/anger/insert other emotions here.

But here's the deal...this is my blog and I need to write about this stuff. Period.

My sister got engaged this weekend. She's marrying a wonderful man, someone I really adore and probably the first person she's ever been with that I think is really, really good for her. That's the happy part.

The tough part is that she lives in Chile. And she has picked Dec. 16 as her wedding date.

Here's the struggle:

- Airfare alone to Chile is going to run between $1500 and $2000 per person. And hotels will be about $100 per night (for the three of us). Add in three meals a day, a wedding gift, and possibly a special dress for the occassion, and we are looking at a total of about $5000 for this trip.

- I will be back at work (after maternity leave) on Nov. 1 and doubt that I will have worked up enough vacation time by then. Also, I'll only be working part time - thereby making half of the salary I currently pull in.

- The baby (if she's born on time) will be just under 5 months old. I don't even know if babies that age are allowed to travel internationally.

- And the kicker - everyone in my family expects me to be there. My mom has already said that "traveling with a nursing baby is the EASIEST thing in the world to do." My sister asks me every time we talk if we're going to come and when I say, "I don't know, Erin" she gets this pitiful sad tone in her voice and gets off the phone.

Here's my part in it - there are days when I don't want to go. My sister has always been the star in our family....even during my wedding planning, I was called an "awful" sister/daughter because I didn't plan events around when she could be there. I know that even if I do go to the wedding, I'll still wind up being the bad guy somehow. Either I'll turn down an offer to be her maid of honor or I won't be able to coordinate a shower for her - whatever it is - I'll fall short and my family will make me the bad guy. It's a time-honored tradition. So why go? Why not just volunteer to be the bad guy right now?

But then I realize that I want to go. I want to be there for my sister, who I love very much despite some craziness and tension in the last few years. I don't want to miss my sister's wedding. Period. And I think that, barring any health issues with the baby or me, it could be fun.

But is it worth $5000? I can guarantee that we won't have $5000 laying around after I've been on maternity leave (and only getting part of my salary) and then going back to work part time. So do we suck it up and pay the money? And is it fair to put my sister's wedding ahead of our own financial security?

One option is for Brian to not go. He's mentioned that he doesn't really want to go anyway and he definitely won't have the time off of work, after taking several weeks off after the baby is born. That would save us between $1500 and $2000 in airfare. But it would also mean that I would be traveling with an infant ALONE. Do I want to sign up for that? Not really. And would Brian want to sign up for being apart from his daughter for a week when she's only a few months old? Probably not.

I feel anxiety about this and I'm not sure what would make the situation simpler or more manageable. My sister hinted a few months ago that airfare for the immediate family would be part of her wedding budget - but I'm not sure if that's going to be the case anymore. If it were, it might make the trip possible for me to go (but since they wouldn't pay for Brian, he probably wouldn't go). But my mom told me that we were on our own for airfare expenses - and she's the one with the checkbook. So there you go.

It's not just about money though. It's about family dynamics, too. Do I even want to let someone else pay for me?

Is the expense the problem or is it that this trip is not manageable because of the baby and the family history and the fact that it's in South America?

But will I be okay with missing it?

I just keep vascillating. But the hope in all of this is that I know I'm powerless over the outcome. And I don't have to make a decision today. Or tomorrow. In fact, I told my sister that no decision would be made until after the baby is born and even then, the decision could change.

The other hopeful part is that I know this is another opportunity for me to define my boundaries with my family of origin. It's an opportunity for me to make my family of choice (Brian and the baby) the priority, regardless of how others perceive me or react to that decision. I'm grateful for that.

My Birfday!!

2006-07-01T19:29:00.000-07:00

So I turned 29 on Thursday. It was a good day - I worked, I went food shopping, I spent time with my husband.

We went out to dinner at the Cheesecake Factory...yum! Then, we came home and opened up our pregnancy casting kit. Yup, that's right. We used strips of plaster-soaked gauze and made a cast of my big pregnant belly. It was great! Check out the pics...(disclaimer: I'm not clothed in them but I'm also not naked...)

http://www.flickr.com/photos/13411558@N00/sets/72157594184039908/show/

2006-07-01T19:04:00.000-07:00

Dogs and cats sleeping together? Anarchy!!

Have you ever noticed...

2006-06-22T13:22:00.000-07:00

...that when you are bored, you find it difficult to be inspired by anything?

Here's the deal. I'm working full time from home and I'm about 5 weeks out from my due date. Work isn't really keeping me busy and I find myself putzing around the house pretty much all day.

I am really physically uncomfortable and can't just get up and go like I used to. Yesterday afternoon I took myself to a movie. It was great but my back hurt like hell because sitting in one position (in a movie theater chair) isn't easy for someone who's 35 weeks pregnant.

Also, it's freakin' hot outside. Not "oh-wow-it's-really-summertime" hot, but more like "Tarzan-couldn't-take-this" kind of hot. Add to the equation that I have my own private furnace running 24/7 and it's easy to be cranky all the time.

So I spend a lot of time indoors. It's hard to find fun, inspiring ways to fill up your time when you are:

- supposed to be working
- physically uncomfortable
- completely unwilling to spend time outside

It pretty much stinks. Thank God I am still working, though, because when things come up and I actually do have stuff to do (probably 30% of my day), I feel like I have a purpose in life and aren't just some huge pregnant slob.

And all is not for naught - good things have been happening lately. A young woman asked me to be her sponsor the other night which was a HUGE honor. I came into program at 19 (so young!) and have never since been asked to be anyone's sponsor. I'm sure it's partly because of my age, but I think partly because I was never really open to it before. I'm feeling pretty good these days, like I actually might have something to offer someone and it's so validating to have someone else say that they'd like YOU to be their sponsor. Yay me!

Also - we started our birthing class which is going to be AMAZING. More on that in the baby blog.

And my life isn't totally pointless - I just keep trying to remember that this down time - this restful, quiet time - isn't going to last forever (or for long!). I'm sure that I'm going to look back longingly on afternoons like today when I sat on the couch watching Dr. Phil and stuffing my face with cheesy poofs. I just wish I could enjoy it more WHILE I'm doing it, instead of wishing that I could be up and about.

Anyway, back to my original point....when you're bored, you're boring. And that's how I'm feeling today. I'm sure this, too, shall pass but I wish it would hurry up and move along so I could feel something else!

You're not going to believe this.

2006-06-12T11:48:00.000-07:00

CHECK. THIS. OUT.

Many people have seen my belly recently and they would tell you how round and smooth (and huge) it is.

So you can imagine my surprise when a few minutes ago, I felt a HUGE protruding lump on my belly. I swear to God, the baby was sticking her head (or her butt?) out for all to see.

I knew no one would believe me, so I had Brian run and get the camera. Below you’ll see proof.

The conclusion I’ve come to is that I’m having the “Alien” baby.

P.S. Ignore the horrible hair and no make up. I work from home and therefore get to look ugly all the time. Don’t hate the player….

LAST baby shower

2006-06-11T18:10:00.000-07:00

Here are the pics from my LAST baby shower. The next big baby event is the main attraction, the birth itself!

Here are some pics:

http://www.flickr.com/photos/13411558@N00/sets/72157594162979829/show/

Any thoughts?

2006-06-11T18:05:00.000-07:00

Can anyone shed some light on this for me??

Moxie

2006-06-11T18:01:00.000-07:00

My cat is pretty.

New Haircut

2006-06-11T17:49:00.000-07:00

BEFORE the new haircut...

AFTER the new haircut...

Myths about America

2006-06-09T08:34:00.001-07:00

I have no way of knowing if the information is true, but I found it on Craig's list and thought it was interesting:

MYTH 1: The US was founded on Christian principles.

TRUTH: This is incorrect.

The Constitution never once mentions a deity, because the Founding Fathers wanted to keep their new country "religion-neutral." Our Founding Fathers were an eclectic collection of Atheists, Deists, Christians, Freemasons and Agnostics.

George Washington, the Father of our country, and John Adams (Second President of the USA) CLEARLY stated in the 1796 Treaty of Tripoli: "The Government of the United States of America is not, in any sense, founded on the Christian Religion.”

G.W. rarely attended church and instead followed a popular 18th century philosophy called Deism—a Star Wars-esque philosophy that believed in a cosmic energy or big-ass universal "Force." The dictionary says that Deism is "a system of thought advocating natural religion based on human reason rather than revelation," that had nothing to do with Christian principles.

James Madison, original mastermind of our Constitution, was an Atheist to the core who loved skewering Christianity. In 1785 he wrote, "What have been [Christianity’s] fruits? More or less in all places, pride and indolence in the Clergy, ignorance and servility in the laity; in both, superstition, bigotry and persecution.”

Thomas Jefferson, who sat down and authored The Declaration of Independence, rarely missed an opportunity to laugh at Christianity. In a letter to John Adams in 1823, he wrote: "The day will come when the mystical generation of Jesus…will be classed with the fable of the generation of Minerva in the brain of Jupiter."

More ammo: In 1814, Tommy J. wrote about the Bible's Old and New Testaments, "The whole history of these books is so defective and doubtful -- evidence that parts have proceeded from an extraordinary man; and that other parts are of the fabric of very inferior minds.”

In fact, it was President Jefferson himself who first wrote (to a Baptist church group in 1802), "The First Amendment has erected a wall of separation between Church and State." Therefore, when Jefferson talked about “Nature’s God,” the “Creator” and “divine Providence ” in the Declaration that he wrote, he was being a hippie and referring to a general cosmic energy-- not the Christian God.

America is not a Christian nation. Period. Our Constitution derived from the post-Christian Enlightenment values of reason and truth...never from the paranoid yammerings of that otherwise compassionate cult leader who fucking died in the Middle Eastern desert 3000 years ago.

MYTH 2. The US doesn’t need improvement compared to other countries; it is the greatest country in the world.
TRUTH: Wrong again. I'll only cite the statistics here.

OECD USA Ranking on Healthcare Quality Index: #37 (#1 France and #2 Italy)-

World Health Organization 2003 USA Ranking of Student Reading Ability: #12 (#1 Finland and #2 South Korea)-

OECD PISA 2003 USA Ranking of Student Problem Solving Ability: #26 (#1 South Korea and #2 Finland)-

OECD PISA 2003 USA Ranking on Student Mathematics Ability: # 24 (#1 Hong Kong and #2 Finland)-

OECD PISA 2003 USA Ranking on Women's Rights Scale: #17 (#1 Sweden and #2 Norway)-

World Economic Forum Report USA Position on Timeline of Gay Rights Progress: # 6 (1997) (#1 Sweden 1987 and #2 Norway 1993)-

Vexen USA Ranking on Life Expectancy: #29 (#1 Japan and #2 Hong Kong)-

UN Human Development Report 2005 USA Ranking on Journalistic Press Freedom Index: #32 (#1 Finland, Iceland, Norway and the Netherlands tied)-

Reporters Without Borders 2005 USA Ranking on Political Corruption Index: #17 (#1 Iceland and #2 Finland)-

Transparency International 2005 USA Ranking on Quality of Life Survey: #13 (#1 Ireland and #2 Switzerland)-

USA Ranking on Environmental Sustainability Index: #45 (#1 Finland and #2 Norway)-

Yale University ESI 2005 USA Ranking on Overall Currency Strength: #3 (US Dollar) (#1 UK pound sterling and #2 European Union euro)-

USA Ranking on Infant Mortality Rate: #32 (#1 Sweden and #2 Finland)-

Save the Children Report 2006 USA Ranking on Human Development Index (GDP, education, etc.): #10 (#1 Norway and #2 Iceland)-

So much for those "socialist" Europeans and those "backward" Asians, hm? We can do better than this.

MYTH 3: The US government loves to help other countries.
TRUTH: This is a myth. The US government tends to be motivated by interests, not humanitarian principles.

Denmark gives the most amount of its GDP (1.01%) to developing countries; Norway gives 0.91%; the Netherlands give 0.79% and so on until the end of list, where the USA sits. Yes, America ranks DEAD LAST in foreign aid at a pathetic 0.1% of its GDP, compared to the other 21 nations listed as developed nations. The idea that the US government is a heroic bunch that runs around the world helping the poor and the disempowered is not backed up by the evidence. We have one of the stingiest governments on earth.

Most Americans believe the US spends 24% of its budget on aid to poor countries; the actual amount is well under a quarter of 1%. Our country also ranks #5 on asylum-seeker acceptance rates (#1 is Denmark and #2 is Canada).

Another interesting fact: Conservative Red states have a divorce rate 27% higher than the liberal Blue states, the per capita rate of violent crime in Red states is 49 per 100,000 higher than in Blue states, the top 5 states with the highest rates of alcohol abuse are Red states, and the per capita rate of gonorrhea in Red states was 41 per 100,000 higher than in the Blue states. Time to unshelf the antibiotics for our "ethical," "God-fearing" conservative friends with their "traditional family values."

Gay Marriage

2006-06-07T06:45:00.000-07:00

Do you know who I love? Jon Stewart. He's hilarious and his show is just awesome. So's his book, by the way.

So on his show yesterday, he had a guest come on and talk about how gay marriage is bad. The thing about The Daily Show is that Jon doesn't pretend to be objective...he goes after the conservatives, lets the liberals off easy, and makes fun of everyone. It's great.
But Jon is still quite articulate (and eloquent) when it comes to going toe-to-toe with the conservatives. Take this little quip as an example (from memory, not verbatim):

Talking head: "The gay marriage debate is about defining marriage as a union between a man and a woman."

JS: "I disagree. The gay marriage debate is about defining homosexuality as a part of the human condition."

Bam. And in that one sentence, he shuts the guy up. I haven't heard one good argument, not one, articulating why gay people shouldn't be married. Most of the reasons to ban gay marriage that I've heard go something like this:

1. Gay people are bad.
2. Marriage is the most fundamental institution in the history of mankind (which is totally untrue, by the way. Slavery is more fundamental than marriage in the history of mankind!).
3. God/the Bible says that homosexuality is wrong and so therefore they shouldn’t be allowed to marry. (ummm…separation of church and state, people?)

None of these arguments present a good, solid reason why marriage is a right that shouldn’t be extended to all Americans.

When I was in grade school and learned about the civil rights movement for the first time, I remember doing the math in my head and realizing that my parents were in their early 20’s during that time. And I remember vividly going home and asking them what they had thought of that period of time. I remember wanting them to tell me that they had fought for civil rights – and that they hadn’t been on what I considered the wrong side of the fence.

I believe that the gay marriage argument is part of a continuum of progression in the “human condition,” just like civil rights and women’s suffrage.

I really believe that our children will judge us based on our views in this battle. I want to be prepared and proud of my answer when they ask.

I believe that it matters not only what we think but what we DO about it. We have to vote. We have to give time or money or both to the causes we believe in. And we have to do it vocally so that others know where we stand.

Like Jon said, the decision on gay marriage has already been decided. It’s coming, whether the conservatives like it or resist it with silly attempts at constitutional amendments. The real question is – which citizens will stand up and vocally support the movement, help it gain momentum, help it happen sooner and which ones will sit back and wait for it to happen?

Picture update

2006-05-31T19:13:00.000-07:00

Pics from our trip up to Gam's funeral/brunch:

http://www.flickr.com/photos/13411558@N00/sets/72157594151545636/show/

Pics from our friends' engagement party:

http://www.flickr.com/photos/13411558@N00/sets/72157594151546097/show/

Snake!!

2006-05-31T12:34:00.000-07:00

I've never had a real fear of snakes - after living in Asia and seeing snakes that could've EATEN me, I gained a healthy respect for them. Plus, they kept the rat population down. And though I think pet rats are great (i.e. my former roommate's rat, Daisy), rats in Asia are dirty and mean and carry diseases and are the size of my cat. So, I was down with the snakes.

We've seen snakes in our yard since moving here - but the ones we've seen have been pretty clearly gardner (sp?) or worm snakes and harmless. Not longer than a foot and not thicker than a finger or two. No biggie.

But last night, Brian casually mentions (several hours after the fact, I might add), that while he was out raking in the backyard he uncovered a big snake that slithered UP OFF THE GROUND to get a good look at him.

I think any normal person (even me, who isn't SO afraid of snakes) would find it reasonable to exit this situation quickly. But Brian, in his logical brilliance, whips out his camera phone and takes the time to take a picture of it!!

Then he takes his leave, comes inside, and hops on the internet to find out what kind of snake we are dealing with here. Turns out, it's just another gardner snake - but this one was of the MUCH LARGER variety.

I tell you what - if a snake is big enough to sit up and look at you, I'm not sure I want it so close to my house. And I'll think twice next time I go walking in the backyard barefoot. Sheesh!

Here's the pic: (keep in mind he was trying to capture the markings on the body so he could research them to identify the snake...) And just to help you scale it - that "stick" in the picture is actually a tree limb that fell from our huge oak tree outside during a windy day last week.

The Run In

2006-05-29T11:52:00.000-07:00

Went to the Bruce Springsteen concert last night and had a blast. Brian and I met up with his brother and wife, our friend Scott, and my mom-in-law who decided to come last minute. We didn’t sit with them – but we were able to hang out and catch up a bit, which was fun.

The concert itself was AWESOME. If he’s coming to your town, it’s a great summer show to go see. The whole concept of this album (The Seeger Sessions) is that Bruce and a bunch of musicians with all-acoustic instruments play classic folk songs. And we’re not talking just “We Shall Overcome," but anti-war folk songs, dance party folk songs, you name it. The concert itself was a huge sing-along, and EVERYONE was up dancing. Fun stuff.

So after the concert we crashed at Brian’s parents house so we could visit with them. We didn’t get in until almost midnight, so we just went to bed.

This morning we woke up and got to visit with them for a few hours. We had a really nice breakfast (Mom-in-law made eggs and we had bagels, cereal, donuts, fresh fruit – everything under the sun!). It was good to visit with them – our visits usually revolve around Brian’s mom talking and talking and talking and everyone just nodding their heads politely. She has an anxious way of conversing – you’ll say five words and then she’s off and running for ten minutes. It can be a nerve-wracking experience, actually, but once you learn to just let her ramble, it gets manageable.

So breakfast was over and we were ready to get on the road. This is usually a very long process – as Brian’s mom does everything in her power to keep you there. Today, we told her we were leaving and that’s when she went and got her book out on gardening to ask Brian a hundred questions about why her honeysuckle bush wasn’t fragrant.

I’ve learned that the best way to deal with this is to give her a hug and continue walking towards the door. So that’s what I did. But she proceeded to get her calendar out and ask about our “plan” for when the baby’s born.

I should have recognized it for the hook that it was. But I didn’t – and I fell for it.

We were rushed, trying to get out the door….and all of a sudden, we were hooked into sharing details about our “birth plan.”

Here’s how it started:

(Mom in law) “So, what are your plans for when the baby comes?”

(Brian, cautiously) “What do you mean? We’ll go to the hospital….and then the baby will come…?”

“But what are your PLANS?”

“I don’t know what you mean…”

(Mom in law, matter of factly): “Well, you’ll call us when you go into labor so we can come down.”

Let’s just pause right here.... Mom In Law (MIL) has, up to this point, never asked us what our plans were for the baby’s birth. She has never expressed an interest in coming down to visit us. She has never communicated any expectations about when she’d meet the baby. Not to me, and not to her son.

So when it became clear that she had an expectation to be in the hospital with us when the baby is born, it was QUITE awkward for both Brian and I. It was the worst, most pregnant conversational pause I’ve experienced in a while. I can’t remember what happened next, exactly; the whole scene is a bit of a blur. Up to this point, I hadn’t said anything. But I know that I was feeling incredibly anxious.

I could sense that Brian was totally paralyzed and wouldn’t be saying anything. And before I knew it, I heard myself saying: (Oh, how I wish I had just said nothing!) “Oh, you guys won’t need to come down right away– my parents will be there.”

MIL’s face fell and I realized that I had said something truly awful. But the truth is, I was trying to tell her that she didn’t need to come down right away, not that she wasn't invited at all. (And frankly, I was trying to tell her that she wasn’t invited to stay with us!)

The weirdest thing happened after that – she walked away from both of us and started cleaning the kitchen. She said nothing, just totally walked away and put her back to us to wipe down the counter and do the dishes.

Brian and I just stood there, not really knowing what to do. So I went and got my purse (thinking: Get me the hell OUT of here!). When I came back to the kitchen, he was still just standing there – looking kind of lost. So I said goodbye to the in laws and made for the door.

When we got outside (they had followed us out), MIL starts talking about the plants she had bought as gifts for Mother’s Day and thrusts one towards me, the way a kid reluctantly hands over a prized toy to his little sister when mom has said that he has to share.

This was followed by another, totally awkward few moments. Everyone knew something was terribly wrong, but no one was doing anything about it. I didn’t want to leave their house like this, so I walked up to MIL who was busily “surveying” her plants outside and said: “Mom, I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings before. You are welcome in Richmond anytime, of course.” (which is true – she’s just not welcome to stay at our HOUSE anytime)

To which she replied in an exasperated, indignant tone: “Well!! I would HOPE so!”

This is where I started to get angry. She had the bitchiest tone I’ve ever heard from her. I looked at her face and I could tell that she was fighting tears, rather unsuccessfully. Then she continued in the same tone, “I’ve been there for ALL of my grandchildren’s births.” But the subtext I heard clearly was – “…..and far be it from YOU to stop me from being there for this one!”

Me (realizing that this had all been a stupid misunderstanding): “ I just didn’t want you to think you had to come down.”

Her (looking at me like a retarded alien): “It’s my BABY’s baby! Of course I’m coming!”

I had a real urge to tell her right then and there that this is MY baby, not just her son's baby. Just to clear up any confusion. Thankfully, I bit my tongue.

Anyway, I decided it best to leave right then and there, before I gave her an earful. Our ride home was strained. Brian really struggles with the dynamic between his mother and I. He is so uncomfortable with confrontation – and this was the first time she has really gone toe-to-toe with me. And really, she didn’t go toe-to-toe as much as she just said shitty stuff and misinterpreted everything so she could be a victim. But it was the first time she’d done it so obviously, in front of us. Usually she just waits until someone’s not around and then complains/gossips about them to anyone who will listen.

The good news is that to this minute, I still don’t think I did anything I have to apologize for. There were several problems with this conversation that I’ve realized as I’ve deconstructed the situation over the past few hours:

1. She tried to have the conversation with us in an attempt to get us to stay longer.
2. We were unprepared for this conversation and TOTALLY put on the spot.
3. Brian didn’t answer his mother’s question and regretfully, I stepped in.
4. She misinterpreted my response and made no effort to clarify/ask questions/challenge it.
5. She had unexpressed expectations about her involvement in the baby’s birth.
6. She was unwilling to continue the conversation once I’d hurt her feelings.

Not many of those problems are mistakes on my part. And I can't control who she gossips to about this (which will probably be all of Brian’s brothers and sisters, if history repeats itself). I just hate that I am always the one who's outside of the "norm" in Brian's family. I'm always the one that rubs someone the wrong way....or, at least that's what it feels like. Everyone else has a put up and shut up mentality. But I refuse to let this woman take over and make decisions in my life. Period.

It’s no secret that there’s been friction between she and I in the past. To be blunt, I find her to be an unsafe person. She gives frequent(HORRIBLE), unsolicited advice. She is nosy and dominant. She’s judgmental and assumes that everyone is just like her. She thinks that she still has a role in the decision-making process of her children (who are all married, with families of their own). She has no boundaries. She rules her roost by dealing out healthy portions of shame and guilt. She offers opinions on other people’s lives without being asked. And she’s one of the most manipulative martyrs I’ve ever met.

Still, I’ve always tried to be pleasant. I know I haven’t always successfully concealed my discomfort around her but I’ve never been disrespectful. I’ve never taken her on or been outwardly confrontational. I have stuck by my boundaries, however. When I am ready to leave a family party or get together, I leave. When I was a smoker, I didn't lie or hide it in front of her (like her kids STILL do).

And so this friction between us, though intangible, has been very much a part of our dynamic.

But today it became tangible. And I’m feeling both guilty and pissed off; simultaneously angry and a bit ashamed. But I’m not taking on her guilt…she is a grown woman and has a right to misinterpret or cry over anything she wants. I can’t control that.

The truth is, I’ve had it with her. I’ve had it with her and others being possessive over MY baby. Over MY birth. Over MY time with a newborn that I haven’t even met yet. People need to back the fuck off and accept that they will all meet the baby when we are damn well and ready to share her with them. And that may not be the EXACT SECOND that she pops out of my vagina, for fuck's sake.

Argh.

An homage...

2006-05-23T13:11:00.000-07:00

....to the randomness of Flickr.

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=8060206257543341917&q=flickr

You have to be a cat person...

2006-05-23T06:40:00.000-07:00

....to truly appreciate this.

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-3790753522267185109&q=talking+cats

2006-05-22T11:47:00.000-07:00

This weekend was my baby shower (#2) in NY.

Here are the pics:

The shower -
http://www.flickr.com/photos/13411558@N00/sets/72057594142208164/show/

The drive home - http://www.flickr.com/photos/13411558@N00/sets/72057594142319746/show/

Gam

2006-05-22T11:29:00.000-07:00

My grandmother died yesterday morning, two days after her 81st birthday.

Gam had been really sick for a while - and though her mind was sharp until almost the very end, her body had failed her. She was wracked with diabetes, emphysema, and myriad other problems that made her tiny frame wither over the last few months.

She had battled in and out of hospitals for the last year - had fallen and shattered her pelvis - had endured hours of physiotherapy to get better...all with the goal of just being able to be at home and sleep in her own bed. That's all she really wanted - to be (and die) in her home.

So on Friday, when the doctor came and told her that she had a serious infection and needed to go to the hospital, she said a simple "no, thank you." Instead, she opted for morphine which would ease the pain. She called her kids (including my dad) and told them that she loved them and that she knew she would go fast now.

On Sunday morning, her two daughters sat with her on her bed, each one holding one of her hands. They told her they loved her and that she didn't have to be afraid...that she was home...and that it was going to be okay. For a brief moment, Gam awakened from her morphine haze, opened her eyes, and focused on her two daughters. Then, she closed her eyes and slowly her breathing stopped, as if she'd fallen asleep.

I only hope that we can all die like she did - with dignity, surrounded by love, in a warm, comfortable bed.

2006-05-22T11:28:00.000-07:00

A weird, but funny, news site.

Contains political satire - may not be safe for work viewing (you'll need your sound on).

http://www.zefrank.com/theshow/archives/2006/05/051906.html

2006-05-19T06:05:00.000-07:00

Hello Ryan!
Your Quit Date is:Saturday, March 19, 2005 at 10:30:00 PM
Time Smoke-Free:425 days, 8 hours, 54 minutes and 51 seconds
Cigarettes NOT smoked:8507

Lifetime Saved:2 months, 4 days, 23 hours
Money Saved:$1,491.00

Congratulations!

WHO'S BETTER THAN YOU TODAY?You've made it! A whole 14 months without a cigarette! In that time, you've successfully navigated the physical chaos of withdrawal, the emotional highs and lows of early quit, and the pitfalls of relapse!

WHO'S BETTER THAN YOU TODAY?Countless times you've refused the offered cigs. More times than that you've craved nicotine, but opted for health, instead. You've endured teasing, lack of support, and feeling uncomfortable and out of place among smokers. You may have had issues with weight, anger, tension or sadness, but still you stayed SMOKE-FREE!

WHO'S BETTER THAN YOU TODAY?You're adjusting to a whole new lifestyle. You're already thinking different thoughts. You've changed habits and routines. You've made new friends and, perhaps, let go of some old ones. You're starting to realize the benefits of living a SMOKE-FREE life. More and more, you see yourself as a non-smoker. We hope you're as proud of you as we are.

Ahhh, vacation

2006-05-15T11:55:00.000-07:00

We've been on a "working vacation" in Hilton Head for the past few days....

This place is like my second home. I've been doing nothing but reading, swimming, relaxing, and eating my face off.

We got here on Thursday night and have celebrated Mother's Day and our 2nd wedding anniversary (today!).

Here are some pics...be sure to look at the captions by clicking on each picture.

http://www.flickr.com/photos/13411558@N00/sets/72057594135744149/show/

Baby Shower!!

2006-05-07T16:50:00.000-07:00

Had a fantastic weekend!!

Today was my first baby shower...I blogged about it on my baby blog. You can check that out here:

www.ohboyorgirl.blogspot.com

Here are the pics:

From the sleepover:

http://www.flickr.com/photos/13411558@N00/sets/72057594128433675/show/

From the shower:

http://www.flickr.com/photos/13411558@N00/sets/72057594128435230/show/

Elon trip

2006-05-01T08:19:00.000-07:00

Spent Saturday afternoon cruising down (in our BRAND spankin' new car) to visit my gorgeous little brother at Elon University in NC.

What a blast!! We got there around 5 and took Matt and his two roommates, Fielden and Timmy out to dinner. They are THE nicest group of college guys I've ever met....sincere and kind and funny as hell. We spent the dinner hour telling funny stories about Matt and hearing about his exploits this semester. The kid always finds a way to get into trouble - and then always finds a way out of it. Love him.

After dinner we went to the Elon vs. Georgia South baseball game. It was a big deal for Elon to be playing this team (who is very good) in the series. Whoever wins the series advances on to the next round...and so on. So Elon had lost their first game to GS - if they didn't win the game we went to, they were done for the season. Elon was down two runs when we showed up. There were hundreds of students there (which, for a school of under 5,000 kids is impressive) and everyone was drinking and having a good time.

Matt and his friends go to Facebook.com and look up the opposing left fielder and all of the pitchers. They find out all sorts of information - mother's names, girlfriend's names, interests, activities, favorite movies, etc. And then, when the game starts, they heckle the HELL out of the left fielder and the bull pen with all of the stuff they learned about them. It's hilarious, actually. It starts out pretty tame but as the beer flows, the heckling gets pretty raunchy. I was laughing my ass off the whole time!

After the game, we went back to the field right outside Matt's house and I watched them play a game they invented called "Smashball." It's kind of like homerun derby, only with lots of alcohol and yelling and special rules. I was 100% sober and it took me all night to figure out the rules (I swear they changed them when it was convenient...). It was so fun to be surrounded by college kids (mostly guys) full of piss and vinegar.

I retired early (let's remember that I'm 7 months pregnant...so i didn't want to be there when people started getting sloppy with the bats and/or balls or started falling down.) and went to bed.

Sunday morning we took Matt out to breakfast - I couldn't believe he got up at 8:30!! Then we got on the road by 10.

All in all, it was a fantastic visit. Here are some pics:

http://www.flickr.com/photos/13411558@N00/sets/72057594122076207/show/

Drag....KING?

2006-05-01T08:06:00.000-07:00

Went to my first drag king show on Friday night (ladies dressed up like men). It was a great time...we met up with my friends Theresa and Lincoln whose friend performed a Green Day song. It was awesome and "he" was incredible!!!

I have some grainy pics. Bare with me - we were in a crowded bar and I'm still learning how to use my spiffy new camera. :)

http://www.flickr.com/photos/13411558@N00/sets/72057594122053535/show/

Happy Monday, everyboydy.

June 29

2006-04-30T17:27:00.000-07:00

Your Birthdate: June 29

You have the mind of an artist, even if you haven't developed the talent yet.Expressive and aware, you enjoy finding new ways to share your feelings.You often feel like you don't fit in - especially in traditional environments.You have big dreams. The problem is putting those dreams into action.
Your strength: Your vivid imagination
Your weakness: Fear of failure
Your power color: Coral
Your power symbol: Oval
Your power month: November

What Does Your Birth Date Mean?

I love my dog

2006-04-28T16:36:00.000-07:00

Here are some pics from the last few days. It's becoming clear to me that I may love my dog more than I love most human beings in my life. Is that a problem??

http://www.flickr.com/photos/13411558@N00/sets/72057594119630407/show/

On a happier note...

2006-04-27T06:50:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was a BIG day!

We bought a car, which we'll be picking up in a few days. It's the 2006 Toyota Matrix, in silver. A good family car, nice and small, with great fuel economy. We bought it from a guy named Darragh, who had the most beautiful Irish brogue and most laid back disposition. And he was a fantastic haggler (talking turkey is my FAVORITE part of the car buying process).

We're going back to the dealership today to trade in Brian's heap and see what we get for it. We also have to talk to the financing guy, who's decidedly more "salesy" than our sales person. Yick. You kind of feel like taking a shower after talking to him. He's that greasy.

Also - we're getting the outside of our house painted. Brian went around with the Elph yesterday taking "before" pictures but they wouldn't be that interesting to post until we have some "after" pictures for comparison. It's going to take a couple weeks for the job to be done (we got a HECK of a deal, saving almost $2000 by agreeing to let the crew work sporadically on the house - one day here, another day there).

We had our house appraised by a realtor a few weeks ago, just to see what we would get for it in today's market, after all of the repairs we've made in the last seven months or so. We were very happy with the result....so much so that we're thinking of selling it in about 6 months or a year and moving into a neighborhood. With the baby on the way, we really want to be around other people. Right now, our house is gorgeous and perfect, but in the middle of nowhere. No neighbors, no neighborhood. No other families around. Beautiful, but lonely.

I know it's a little crazy to imagine selling your house, buying a new house, and moving with a 3 or 4 month old, but it's more manageable than trying to do it now! At least we'll be somewhat used to the parenting gig by then. And hey, if we wait a year, no harm done. The houses in this area are steadily appreciating, so we should be in pretty good shape.

So there's lots of planning and decision-making going on in our house. It's a happy time. We're SO excited for the baby to get here (and the thought of not being pregnant anymore is growing on me!).

It's an important and joyous realization to make that you would choose your life, exactly as it is today, over anyone else's. :)

Shock and awe

2006-04-27T06:03:00.000-07:00

There's a person in my life, whom I love very much, who consistently forces me to learn lessons I feel like I'm not ready for. She's one of those people that, totally unknowingly, grabs you by the wrist and says, "HERE. Deal with THIS."

She's come at me full force this time....and though it's not a situation I can divulge here, suffice it to say that I'll be retreating into my own deep recesses to come up with some new truth I hadn't yet realized about myself.

What I can talk about is my feelings - I feel torn. I started out numb but I'm moving to angry, resentful, and sad. I also feel intrigued and condescendingly amazed at this person's audacity.

I'm in a situation where my old, limited understanding of this relationship's dynamic are bumping up against my new, uncomfortable realizations. In the last couple of years, my experience with this person has changed the way I see her and the way I want (and don't want) to relate to her.

The good news is that I’m taking steps to take care of myself during a rough time. And I’m not giving my power away. It’s going to take some self-discipline, but I won’t respond to the carrot that she is dangling over my head. I will be gracious, loving, and firm.

My sponsor said two things recently that I’m holding quite close right now:

When you stop pleasing people, people aren’t pleased.

Make your boundary, then DUCK.

There’s a part of me that wishes things could be different – that wishes I could deal with this situation differently. The fact of the matter is, however, that reality is reality, even if others don’t choose to see it. And today, I choose to live in the reality that presents itself and make the best decisions I can with the information I have at the time.

House Inventory

2006-04-25T06:19:00.000-07:00

I've recently been to a couple of houses where every nook and every cranny is neat and organized. Not in an anal way - but in the "I-can-find-anything-anytime" kind of way. And I always come home from these houses thinking...that would be SO nice.

As it stands, my house is pretty neat and uncluttered - the parts of it that guests see, that is. But behind every closed door lies the possibility of a pile of dirty or old clothes, a disarray of pet toys or shoes or umbrellas gone astray. And in every drawer, you'll find the most mis-matched items. For example, right now in my bathroom vanity, you'll find a caulk gun, double sided tape, and a few tampons jammed in to the empty spaces. Totally random.

I've never been one of those people that had a place for everything in my home. Though I've learned to love an uncluttered space (like a desk or our living room), I've never mastered the art of each posession having a place it belongs. There's always a mess somewher in my house- even if it isn't in plain view.

And this got me thinking - it's not that I believe that my disorganization or tendency toward clutter necessarily IS a metaphor for my life, but I think it could be. It occurs to me that my being is a little like my house.

I come across as someone who has "a good head on her shoulders" or is an "old soul." Or, at the very least, I appear to be the kind of person who is well-equipped to deal with life on life's terms. I am a good friend and listener; I have a kind heart. I donate time and money to my favorite charities; I vote.

But then there's this other side of me, too. A side that hides things in the deep recesses. I hide my messes from other people. I've got plenty of dark corners that people don't see because they aren't clean or neat or organized.

It's a shame thing, I think. Somewhere along the way I learned that it wasn't okay to not have it all together. Somewhere in my life I picked up the understanding that people want to knowthe nice, neat parts ofyou. The other stuff should be hidden away in a closet, like a mangy half-eaten rawhide bone.

I'm going to have to ruminate more on this, of course, but I just needed to get it out there today.

have a good one. :)

I got me an ELPH!!

2006-04-22T13:49:00.000-07:00

That's right, after being inspired by my buddy Chion - we went and bought an Elph today. Woo hoo!!

We knew we had to get a camera - I mean, we are having a BABY after all. I just didn't realize how cool it would be.... So I'll be attaching a few pics that we took around the house. I'm sure there will be many, many more to come. :)

2006-04-22T13:46:00.000-07:00

My self portrait (couldn't hold the camera straight).

2006-04-22T13:45:00.002-07:00

Brian's self-portrait

2006-04-22T13:45:00.001-07:00

Our front yard....so pretty, even on a rainy day!

2006-04-22T13:45:00.000-07:00

Ms. Marigold chillin'

Spring has sprung!!

2006-04-16T17:26:00.000-07:00

Check out pics of our gorgeous yard in spring time. We moved here in the fall - so we've never seen everything a'bloomin' before. :)

http://www.flickr.com/photos/13411558@N00/sets/72057594108004576/show/

Random Thoughts

2006-04-12T07:44:00.000-07:00

Lots going on in my head the past couple of days....thought I'd write some of it down.

Why is it that I am so interested in the lives of people I used to know? I'm talking people I haven't seen or talked to in over 10 years. I recently created a My Space page and was overjoyed to be reunited with a couple people that used to be really important to me - those aren't the people I'm talking about. And I'm not talking about high school or college ex boyfriends, either. I'm talking about people that you went to Elementary School with and never spoke to after 7th grade. I'm talking about people you had a crush on freshman year for a week. I'm obsessed with finding these people! I don't want to contact them - I just want to see how they are doing. Maybe it's just a way of visiting the "me" I used to be back then. Or maybe it's psycho and weird. I'm open to your thoughts.

We had friends over for dinner last night - good friends who I love very much. (Hi Kathryn - if you're reading!! ) Makes me miss the times when ALL I did was hang out with friends, every night of the week. Life is different now - mostly better. But I still miss all of that stuff. It's hard to find couples that both of us can really connect with. I think it's hard anywhere - but it's particularly hard when you don't live in a neighborhood or in a big city.

I'm also scared that we're entering into some baby black hole come July and I'm never going to see anyone I know and love ever again. Of course, that's not rational - I understand that - but it's still a fear I have.

And I'm strating to think how nice it will be to have my body back once I'm not pregnant anymore. I worry about being able to lose weight after the wedding - it doesn't help that I have to get myself into a bridesmaid's dress for a friend's wedding about 10 weeks after the baby is born. Ugh. The dress has to be custom made for me so it will fit and I'm going to have to get a fitting done in mid-September, when the baby is about 7 weeks old. Yowsa.

I have this presentation for work next week that's got me a bit on edge. I have to train a group of 10 teachers on my product. It's not going to be particularly hard but I've never done it nor seen it done, so I'm really flying solo. I've spent time today and yesterday preparing some training documents that will be my crutch. Preparation seems to be the only thing that keeps my nerves in check.

Brian's working from home starting this week - and it's a little surreal having him around. My natural tendency is to procrastinate or not get work done because I'm usually not working while he's in the house. It's been really nice, though - he makes me lunch every day (bonus!) and we bump into each other now and again. I have to really concentrate on working so I don't get behind or distract him. I think he feels the same way...

So that's my update. If you want to check out my My Space page, it's here: http://www.myspace.com/10833703.

Happy Surfing! :)

Vacation Pics

2006-04-04T16:11:00.000-07:00

Here are some of the pics from our vacation. Enjoy!! :)

2006-04-04T15:56:00.000-07:00

You just can't imagine how big this darn boat is. We were on the Voyager of the Seas - THE largest passenger ship in the world.

2006-04-04T15:54:00.002-07:00

Brian REALLY enjoying his ice cream sundae at Johnny Rockets, the 50's-themed diner that's on the boat. It's $4 for all you can eat burgers, fries, onion rings, and, of course ice cream sundaes - the real kind, with fudge and a cherry on top. Also, the servers all took dancing interludes where they sang and boogied to the oldies.

2006-04-04T15:54:00.001-07:00

First stop - Labadee, Haiti. This was a beach area - owned by Royal Caribbean. There were several beachfronts, shops, and entertainment. Not my favorite place because we were so clearly being sectioned off from the country itself - but the artwork was cool!

2006-04-04T15:54:00.000-07:00

We loved seeing all of the local artwork...it was just piled up on a hill off the beach.

2006-04-04T15:53:00.003-07:00

Shopping in Labadee, Haiti.

2006-04-04T15:53:00.002-07:00

Look at the grin on his face!! Taken on our balcony.

2006-04-04T15:53:00.001-07:00

Brian chillin' in Labadee, Haiti.

2006-04-04T15:53:00.000-07:00

Second stop - Ocho Rios, Jamaica. We found this club - Club Santiago - right in downtown Ocho Rios. Made me think of my sister.

2006-04-04T15:52:00.001-07:00

Brian on the beach in Haiti.

2006-04-04T15:52:00.000-07:00

Jamaican artists carving trees intohuge parrot stands. These guys were so cute. When they heard it was my third time in Jamaica, they called me a "Jamerican."

2006-04-04T15:51:00.003-07:00

View of Jamaica from our balcony.

2006-04-04T15:51:00.002-07:00

The view of Jamaica from our balcony (while we were in port).

2006-04-04T15:51:00.001-07:00

Ryan snorkeling in Jamaica.

2006-04-04T15:51:00.000-07:00

The view from our balcony (looking towards the front of the ship).

2006-04-04T15:50:00.002-07:00

Brian getting ready to snorkel (near our cruise ship).

2006-04-04T15:50:00.001-07:00

Stingray towel animal...those are chocolate mints for eyes.

2006-04-04T15:50:00.000-07:00

THE most unattractive picture of me. EVER.

2006-04-04T15:49:00.000-07:00

Last stop - Cozumel, Mexico. What a GORGEOUS country Mexico is. I totally fell in love with it. We took a boat taxi to Playa del Carmen to see the Mayan ruins. This is a pic of the shopping we did on the way to the ruins. Brian didn't get it in this picture, but there were HUGE statues of guys licking their own, erect penises nearby. I know it's immature, but I almost peed my pants laughing.

2006-04-04T15:48:00.002-07:00

My good lookin' husband in front of an old Mayan dwelling. There were lizards all over the place!

2006-04-04T15:48:00.001-07:00

I have never seen my boobs look THIS big. Holy moly!!

2006-04-04T15:48:00.000-07:00

Mayan ruins at Tulum. The big one in the center is the temple, and it sits on a huge cliff overlooking the most crystal blue water you've ever seen.

2006-04-04T15:47:00.000-07:00

Mayan ruins at Tulum'

2006-04-04T15:46:00.001-07:00

The tram we took in Playa del Carmen to the Tulum Mayan ruins. It was hot, hot, hot!! The redheaded kid and I sat next to each other on the speed boat ride over, both puking our guts out. nice!

2006-04-04T15:46:00.000-07:00

Third stop - Grand Cayman islands. All of our destinations were still recovering from the last hurricane season. But Grand Cayman seemed to have been rebuilding with the most vigor. A pretty port - but totally touristy. We opted to go on a submarine dive. Here's a pic of a diver feeding the fish outside the window of our submarine.

2006-04-04T15:45:00.000-07:00

The view from our submarine in Grand Cayman.

2006-04-04T15:44:00.000-07:00

Our second excursion in Grand Cayman was to a butterfly farm. Hard to tell, but I'm just about to pick up a beautiful Cayman Swallowtail butterfly. They would land on you and flutter their wings, which was incredible. I had a friend in Singapore, Stefan, who was a butterfly charmer. There's something totally spiritual about these little guys - makes me think it's good luck for them to land on you. The biggest butterfly I've ever seen was here - it's body was the length of my hand, easy.

2006-04-04T14:29:00.000-07:00

Another towel animal...this one is a monkey (I think).

2006-04-04T14:28:00.003-07:00

Our table at dinner...lovely ladies. Brian was the only dude (besides our server)...