parenting = ouch
When I was little, I asked my mom how painful it was to have a baby. Her response was that giving birth was painful, but not nearly as painful as certain moments in parenthood. I remember thinking that she had no idea what she was talking about.
But this morning, I get it.
Today is my first day back at work. I'll be working three days a week and on those days, Sophie will be in day care. I've been preparing myself for the end of my maternity leave for a couple of weeks....but nothing could have prepared me for how difficult it would be to have to hand my daughter off to a relative stranger, give her a kiss, and walk out the door.
I never could have guessed the depth and gravity of the GRIEF that I would experience as a result of having Sophie being cared for by someone outside of our family. It's not about going back to work. It's not even about being apart from her.
I've had three months of nothing but she and I spending quality time together during the day. And during that time, I have carefully selected which experiences she had and which ones I to shield her from. Sophie, Brian, and I became a team - a unit. And now that those three months are up, I have to let go of the fact that I don't get to select her experiences anymore - I'm no longer in control of her journey.
In some ways, that's a beautiful thing. Today is the first day that she will have a life outside of the one that we share.
But the truth is, I wish she were older before she was subjected to the world on her own. Three months just seems so young. Too young. Too young to be in day care!
I keep reminding myself that my salary will go toward providing quality experiences for her - things like college and family vacations and a safe place to call home. It was near impossible to remember all of that this morning, though, when I had to walk out the door of the day care center without her.
It helps that Brian struggled with it, too. I really thought that he would be the tough one and that it wouldn't bother him too much (after all, he hasn't been sobbing for the last week at the mere mention of going back to work). But lo and behold, he was holding Sophie when it was time to go and Ana (the day care lady) said to him, "Can I take her now?" He welled up, turned away and said, "Not yet."
That was game over for me. Just seeing Brian fill up made me dissolve into a puddle. It took both of us every ounce of will power we had to let Sophie go and we were both sobbing as we left.
It's funny - there have been moments in the past three months when I have looked forward to today - looked forward to having a few hours without changing diapers or soothing a fussy baby or enjoying some plain old peace and quiet. But now that the day is here - I have to park myself in a Panera to work because there's no way I can be in our home without my baby being there.
It's 11:45 in the morning and I've only managed to work about thirty minutes. I'll be here another 45 min. or so before I go visit Sophie on my lunch break to nurse her. Then off to work for a few more hours and back to pick her up at 5pm.
It's amazing how parenting has transformed me. It's the best, hardest thing I've ever done.
But my mom was right: I'd choose being in labor over this kind of pain every day of the week and twice on Sunday.
But this morning, I get it.
Today is my first day back at work. I'll be working three days a week and on those days, Sophie will be in day care. I've been preparing myself for the end of my maternity leave for a couple of weeks....but nothing could have prepared me for how difficult it would be to have to hand my daughter off to a relative stranger, give her a kiss, and walk out the door.
I never could have guessed the depth and gravity of the GRIEF that I would experience as a result of having Sophie being cared for by someone outside of our family. It's not about going back to work. It's not even about being apart from her.
I've had three months of nothing but she and I spending quality time together during the day. And during that time, I have carefully selected which experiences she had and which ones I to shield her from. Sophie, Brian, and I became a team - a unit. And now that those three months are up, I have to let go of the fact that I don't get to select her experiences anymore - I'm no longer in control of her journey.
In some ways, that's a beautiful thing. Today is the first day that she will have a life outside of the one that we share.
But the truth is, I wish she were older before she was subjected to the world on her own. Three months just seems so young. Too young. Too young to be in day care!
I keep reminding myself that my salary will go toward providing quality experiences for her - things like college and family vacations and a safe place to call home. It was near impossible to remember all of that this morning, though, when I had to walk out the door of the day care center without her.
It helps that Brian struggled with it, too. I really thought that he would be the tough one and that it wouldn't bother him too much (after all, he hasn't been sobbing for the last week at the mere mention of going back to work). But lo and behold, he was holding Sophie when it was time to go and Ana (the day care lady) said to him, "Can I take her now?" He welled up, turned away and said, "Not yet."
That was game over for me. Just seeing Brian fill up made me dissolve into a puddle. It took both of us every ounce of will power we had to let Sophie go and we were both sobbing as we left.
It's funny - there have been moments in the past three months when I have looked forward to today - looked forward to having a few hours without changing diapers or soothing a fussy baby or enjoying some plain old peace and quiet. But now that the day is here - I have to park myself in a Panera to work because there's no way I can be in our home without my baby being there.
It's 11:45 in the morning and I've only managed to work about thirty minutes. I'll be here another 45 min. or so before I go visit Sophie on my lunch break to nurse her. Then off to work for a few more hours and back to pick her up at 5pm.
It's amazing how parenting has transformed me. It's the best, hardest thing I've ever done.
But my mom was right: I'd choose being in labor over this kind of pain every day of the week and twice on Sunday.
posted by GirlRy at 9:40 AM
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