Mothering Circle

I am in a Mothering Circle, run by the same ladies who ran our Birthing From Within class. The Mothering Circle are five new moms and their babies, ranging from three weeks to 11 months old. The idea of the class is to support women as they learn to become mothers. It's a nurturing, non-judgemental environment (which, as it turns out, the world at large is NOT when it comes to being a new mom).

One of our activities this week was to write a letter to our partner, addressing the following prompts:

Something I want to tell you is that...
This transition feels like...
I deeply appreciate...
I still need...
I worry that....
I hope that.../I envision...

I wrote the following letter:

Dear Brian,

Something I want to tell you is that I really want to be a good partner to you in every sense, but right now I don't feel like I can be. I am quick to get frustrated, angry, and resentful and though I am constantly asking you for help with chores and tasks, I sturggle to reach out to you for the emotional support that I deeply need from you.

This transition feels like a new phase in our marriage. And though Sophie has brought an incredible amount of joy to our lives - I am also finding it harder than I expected to stay connected to me and to our marriage. It feels like I am grieving the relationship we had, without feeling able to celebrate the one we have today.

I deeply appreciate how present you are with Sophie. I deeply appreciate how committed you are to being a good father and partner. I deeply appreciate you working on yourself and bringing a more whole 'you' to our marriage and family. I deeply appreciate you taking ownership of certain household chores like the lawn, garbage, and kitty litter (pee-yew!).

I still need to feel like we are in this together. I still need to feel like - and be reminded that - you love me and are glad you married me and had Sophie. I still need to feel like we are both the engine behind this family - instead of me planning and delegating and you following directions.

I worry that I boss you around too much. I worry that I'm not a "whole" partner to you - that I'm two parts roommate and co-worker and only one part partner/lover/friend. I worry that you see me as a mom to Sophie more than a wife to you. I worry that you will feel trapped by all your responsibilities as a new dad and want to leave.

I hope that we can find common ground. I envision us turning off the tv more and cuddling up in front of a fire with hot chocolate, just being. I hope we can learn to vent our frustrations in a loving way. I hope that I can learn to balance being true to myself, being a good mom, and being a satisfying partner to you.

I love you and I want us to be happy - as individuals, as partners, and as a family.

___________________________________________________________________

Brian decided to write a letter to me (even though he's not in the Mothering Circle). His letter reads:

Something I want to tell you is that you are a really wonderful mother. It hurts to see you so sad about going back to work and having to put Sophia in daycare, but at the same time I am grateful to have found soemone that cares so deeply for her family and loves so much. I am sorry you are hurting.

This transition is harder that I expected it would be! Some days I feel like all I am doing is coping. In our relationship and with the responsibilities that come with caring for Sophia. Other days I feel on top of the world, it all depends on factors that are outside of my control too - which is frustrating at times. Also, I sometimes rely on my heart and gut to lead me in the right direction this is how I have figured things out in the past. I find that I am doing that a lot right now - but being a Dad isn't something you just figure out. I think over time I will. I won't be able to open up a book and be a great dad the next day, but with a little help - and patice about mistakes, I think it'll be good.

I deeply appreciate our commitment to each other. We have had a lot of difficult conversations over the last few months, but we have never withdrawn from our relatioship. I think we still have a lot to learn, but I am grateful for all that has happened in the year since we found out we were having Sophie. I am not deluded about how hard it was or how much it sucked at times, I'll be the first to admit that - I'm just glad we are here today, and grateful for everything we have been through.

I still need date night and time alone with you.

I worry about everything. Me, you, you and me, my weird dreams, the house (being too cold, too old, a tree falling on it...) Sophie getting sick, moving, my job, THE FUTURE!, etc...

I envision a time when we are more comfortable with ourselves and our life as a result of the emotional work we are each doing right now. I hope we will continue to do that work. I also hope that our relationship will be strenghtened by the work and that Sophie will have two incredible parents because of it. I hope we have a happy family.