I've been afraid to write about family stuff on this blog in the past. I've been vague when I've written about trials with my family - or I've sought more private venues to air my concerns/frustrations/heartache/anger/insert other emotions here.

But here's the deal...this is my blog and I need to write about this stuff. Period.

My sister got engaged this weekend. She's marrying a wonderful man, someone I really adore and probably the first person she's ever been with that I think is really, really good for her. That's the happy part.

The tough part is that she lives in Chile. And she has picked Dec. 16 as her wedding date.

Here's the struggle:

- Airfare alone to Chile is going to run between $1500 and $2000 per person. And hotels will be about $100 per night (for the three of us). Add in three meals a day, a wedding gift, and possibly a special dress for the occassion, and we are looking at a total of about $5000 for this trip.

- I will be back at work (after maternity leave) on Nov. 1 and doubt that I will have worked up enough vacation time by then. Also, I'll only be working part time - thereby making half of the salary I currently pull in.

- The baby (if she's born on time) will be just under 5 months old. I don't even know if babies that age are allowed to travel internationally.

- And the kicker - everyone in my family expects me to be there. My mom has already said that "traveling with a nursing baby is the EASIEST thing in the world to do." My sister asks me every time we talk if we're going to come and when I say, "I don't know, Erin" she gets this pitiful sad tone in her voice and gets off the phone.

Here's my part in it - there are days when I don't want to go. My sister has always been the star in our family....even during my wedding planning, I was called an "awful" sister/daughter because I didn't plan events around when she could be there. I know that even if I do go to the wedding, I'll still wind up being the bad guy somehow. Either I'll turn down an offer to be her maid of honor or I won't be able to coordinate a shower for her - whatever it is - I'll fall short and my family will make me the bad guy. It's a time-honored tradition. So why go? Why not just volunteer to be the bad guy right now?

But then I realize that I want to go. I want to be there for my sister, who I love very much despite some craziness and tension in the last few years. I don't want to miss my sister's wedding. Period. And I think that, barring any health issues with the baby or me, it could be fun.

But is it worth $5000? I can guarantee that we won't have $5000 laying around after I've been on maternity leave (and only getting part of my salary) and then going back to work part time. So do we suck it up and pay the money? And is it fair to put my sister's wedding ahead of our own financial security?

One option is for Brian to not go. He's mentioned that he doesn't really want to go anyway and he definitely won't have the time off of work, after taking several weeks off after the baby is born. That would save us between $1500 and $2000 in airfare. But it would also mean that I would be traveling with an infant ALONE. Do I want to sign up for that? Not really. And would Brian want to sign up for being apart from his daughter for a week when she's only a few months old? Probably not.

I feel anxiety about this and I'm not sure what would make the situation simpler or more manageable. My sister hinted a few months ago that airfare for the immediate family would be part of her wedding budget - but I'm not sure if that's going to be the case anymore. If it were, it might make the trip possible for me to go (but since they wouldn't pay for Brian, he probably wouldn't go). But my mom told me that we were on our own for airfare expenses - and she's the one with the checkbook. So there you go.

It's not just about money though. It's about family dynamics, too. Do I even want to let someone else pay for me?

Is the expense the problem or is it that this trip is not manageable because of the baby and the family history and the fact that it's in South America?

But will I be okay with missing it?

I just keep vascillating. But the hope in all of this is that I know I'm powerless over the outcome. And I don't have to make a decision today. Or tomorrow. In fact, I told my sister that no decision would be made until after the baby is born and even then, the decision could change.

The other hopeful part is that I know this is another opportunity for me to define my boundaries with my family of origin. It's an opportunity for me to make my family of choice (Brian and the baby) the priority, regardless of how others perceive me or react to that decision. I'm grateful for that.