The Run In

Went to the Bruce Springsteen concert last night and had a blast. Brian and I met up with his brother and wife, our friend Scott, and my mom-in-law who decided to come last minute. We didn’t sit with them – but we were able to hang out and catch up a bit, which was fun.

The concert itself was AWESOME. If he’s coming to your town, it’s a great summer show to go see. The whole concept of this album (The Seeger Sessions) is that Bruce and a bunch of musicians with all-acoustic instruments play classic folk songs. And we’re not talking just “We Shall Overcome," but anti-war folk songs, dance party folk songs, you name it. The concert itself was a huge sing-along, and EVERYONE was up dancing. Fun stuff.

So after the concert we crashed at Brian’s parents house so we could visit with them. We didn’t get in until almost midnight, so we just went to bed.

This morning we woke up and got to visit with them for a few hours. We had a really nice breakfast (Mom-in-law made eggs and we had bagels, cereal, donuts, fresh fruit – everything under the sun!). It was good to visit with them – our visits usually revolve around Brian’s mom talking and talking and talking and everyone just nodding their heads politely. She has an anxious way of conversing – you’ll say five words and then she’s off and running for ten minutes. It can be a nerve-wracking experience, actually, but once you learn to just let her ramble, it gets manageable.

So breakfast was over and we were ready to get on the road. This is usually a very long process – as Brian’s mom does everything in her power to keep you there. Today, we told her we were leaving and that’s when she went and got her book out on gardening to ask Brian a hundred questions about why her honeysuckle bush wasn’t fragrant.

I’ve learned that the best way to deal with this is to give her a hug and continue walking towards the door. So that’s what I did. But she proceeded to get her calendar out and ask about our “plan” for when the baby’s born.

I should have recognized it for the hook that it was. But I didn’t – and I fell for it.

We were rushed, trying to get out the door….and all of a sudden, we were hooked into sharing details about our “birth plan.”

Here’s how it started:

(Mom in law) “So, what are your plans for when the baby comes?”

(Brian, cautiously) “What do you mean? We’ll go to the hospital….and then the baby will come…?”

“But what are your PLANS?”

“I don’t know what you mean…”

(Mom in law, matter of factly): “Well, you’ll call us when you go into labor so we can come down.”

Let’s just pause right here.... Mom In Law (MIL) has, up to this point, never asked us what our plans were for the baby’s birth. She has never expressed an interest in coming down to visit us. She has never communicated any expectations about when she’d meet the baby. Not to me, and not to her son.

So when it became clear that she had an expectation to be in the hospital with us when the baby is born, it was QUITE awkward for both Brian and I. It was the worst, most pregnant conversational pause I’ve experienced in a while. I can’t remember what happened next, exactly; the whole scene is a bit of a blur. Up to this point, I hadn’t said anything. But I know that I was feeling incredibly anxious.

I could sense that Brian was totally paralyzed and wouldn’t be saying anything. And before I knew it, I heard myself saying: (Oh, how I wish I had just said nothing!) “Oh, you guys won’t need to come down right away– my parents will be there.”

MIL’s face fell and I realized that I had said something truly awful. But the truth is, I was trying to tell her that she didn’t need to come down right away, not that she wasn't invited at all. (And frankly, I was trying to tell her that she wasn’t invited to stay with us!)

The weirdest thing happened after that – she walked away from both of us and started cleaning the kitchen. She said nothing, just totally walked away and put her back to us to wipe down the counter and do the dishes.

Brian and I just stood there, not really knowing what to do. So I went and got my purse (thinking: Get me the hell OUT of here!). When I came back to the kitchen, he was still just standing there – looking kind of lost. So I said goodbye to the in laws and made for the door.

When we got outside (they had followed us out), MIL starts talking about the plants she had bought as gifts for Mother’s Day and thrusts one towards me, the way a kid reluctantly hands over a prized toy to his little sister when mom has said that he has to share.

This was followed by another, totally awkward few moments. Everyone knew something was terribly wrong, but no one was doing anything about it. I didn’t want to leave their house like this, so I walked up to MIL who was busily “surveying” her plants outside and said: “Mom, I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings before. You are welcome in Richmond anytime, of course.” (which is true – she’s just not welcome to stay at our HOUSE anytime)

To which she replied in an exasperated, indignant tone: “Well!! I would HOPE so!”

This is where I started to get angry. She had the bitchiest tone I’ve ever heard from her. I looked at her face and I could tell that she was fighting tears, rather unsuccessfully. Then she continued in the same tone, “I’ve been there for ALL of my grandchildren’s births.” But the subtext I heard clearly was – “…..and far be it from YOU to stop me from being there for this one!”

Me (realizing that this had all been a stupid misunderstanding): “ I just didn’t want you to think you had to come down.”

Her (looking at me like a retarded alien): “It’s my BABY’s baby! Of course I’m coming!”

I had a real urge to tell her right then and there that this is MY baby, not just her son's baby. Just to clear up any confusion. Thankfully, I bit my tongue.

Anyway, I decided it best to leave right then and there, before I gave her an earful. Our ride home was strained. Brian really struggles with the dynamic between his mother and I. He is so uncomfortable with confrontation – and this was the first time she has really gone toe-to-toe with me. And really, she didn’t go toe-to-toe as much as she just said shitty stuff and misinterpreted everything so she could be a victim. But it was the first time she’d done it so obviously, in front of us. Usually she just waits until someone’s not around and then complains/gossips about them to anyone who will listen.

The good news is that to this minute, I still don’t think I did anything I have to apologize for. There were several problems with this conversation that I’ve realized as I’ve deconstructed the situation over the past few hours:

1. She tried to have the conversation with us in an attempt to get us to stay longer.
2. We were unprepared for this conversation and TOTALLY put on the spot.
3. Brian didn’t answer his mother’s question and regretfully, I stepped in.
4. She misinterpreted my response and made no effort to clarify/ask questions/challenge it.
5. She had unexpressed expectations about her involvement in the baby’s birth.
6. She was unwilling to continue the conversation once I’d hurt her feelings.

Not many of those problems are mistakes on my part. And I can't control who she gossips to about this (which will probably be all of Brian’s brothers and sisters, if history repeats itself). I just hate that I am always the one who's outside of the "norm" in Brian's family. I'm always the one that rubs someone the wrong way....or, at least that's what it feels like. Everyone else has a put up and shut up mentality. But I refuse to let this woman take over and make decisions in my life. Period.

It’s no secret that there’s been friction between she and I in the past. To be blunt, I find her to be an unsafe person. She gives frequent(HORRIBLE), unsolicited advice. She is nosy and dominant. She’s judgmental and assumes that everyone is just like her. She thinks that she still has a role in the decision-making process of her children (who are all married, with families of their own). She has no boundaries. She rules her roost by dealing out healthy portions of shame and guilt. She offers opinions on other people’s lives without being asked. And she’s one of the most manipulative martyrs I’ve ever met.

Still, I’ve always tried to be pleasant. I know I haven’t always successfully concealed my discomfort around her but I’ve never been disrespectful. I’ve never taken her on or been outwardly confrontational. I have stuck by my boundaries, however. When I am ready to leave a family party or get together, I leave. When I was a smoker, I didn't lie or hide it in front of her (like her kids STILL do).

And so this friction between us, though intangible, has been very much a part of our dynamic.

But today it became tangible. And I’m feeling both guilty and pissed off; simultaneously angry and a bit ashamed. But I’m not taking on her guilt…she is a grown woman and has a right to misinterpret or cry over anything she wants. I can’t control that.

The truth is, I’ve had it with her. I’ve had it with her and others being possessive over MY baby. Over MY birth. Over MY time with a newborn that I haven’t even met yet. People need to back the fuck off and accept that they will all meet the baby when we are damn well and ready to share her with them. And that may not be the EXACT SECOND that she pops out of my vagina, for fuck's sake.

Argh.