Baptism, Part I

Last night, Brian and I got dressed up to go out to a very nice dinner. It was Brian's idea, he wanted to celebrate that I had graduated from school. It was a really sweet, romantic gesture that somehow went terribly wrong.

We went to our favorite restaurant, which is in a historic building in Hanover. We never talked about school or me graduating. Instead we talked about the whole baptism issue - which was our first mistake. Brian wants to baptize our baby in the Catholic Church. My past with that particular church is less than pleasant and although I agreed to be married there, it was a huge compromise for me.

So now we get to the baptism issue and there's all this tension because he wants to do it and he knows that I don't want to. His side is that he is Catholic and this is what Catholics do. He's not sure he believes in "original sin" but if it does exist, he wants to make sure his kid is protected. (Whatever.) Also - his mother would keel over and die if she found out that one of her grandchildren wasn't going to be baptised - honestly, she might not speak to Brian for a long, long time. It's one of THOSE situations.

My side is that I'm not Catholic and, for the six years we've been together, I've had to constantly remind his family (and him) of that. I made it very clear when we got married in the church that this was something I was doing for him, and it was not a promise of anything to come. I support that he has a religion and that he would want to follow the tenents of that faith. I'm fine with him baptising our kid. But since I'm not Catholic, it makes sense to me not to participate. Part of a Catholic baptism is to stand up and promise as a parent that you will raise this child in the Catholic church. Another rule is that the godparents have to be practicing Catholics. As someone who doesn't participate in the church or the faith, why would I participate in the ceremony??

I love the idea of a baptism though. To me, a baptism (outside of religion) is merely an introduction. I would love to incorporate my own spirituality into a baptism ceremony for my child...to introduce him/her to me, our family, and the people I've selected to be spiritual guides. I'd love to use the elements; water, oil, earth, fire, etc. to welcome a child into the world and to start them on whatever journey he/she will have. And I'd love to invite my family to come be part of that.

So I told Brian he gets to decide what he wants to do about the Catholic thing, but that I'm planning my own baptism which he is welcome to participate in. He loves my idea of baptism and is totally in. But he's really struggling with the fact that I'm not Catholic, not willing to pretend to be Catholic (again) for the baptism, and not willing to make nice-nice in front of his family by at least showing up.

Then, last night - he delivered the kicker. He said, "If I start going to church regularly again, the church will want me to believe that you are going to hell. What if I become a true believer and start to believe that, too? And how will I explain it to our child? "

I almost choked on my steak.

I asked him if he believed now that it was possible for me to go to hell because I left the Catholic Church. He said he didn't know. (What the fuck ever.) I was so incredibly angry and my feelings were hurt on a really deep, deep level. I needed to end the evening because I suddenly couldn't be around him.

And the funny thing is, I don't believe in hell. I don't believe it exists. So technically, this shouldn't bother me. But the fact that my husband could be one of THOSE people that is worried for my soul or some stupid shit like that, just made me so angry! I felt like I'd been duped all these years, thinking that Brian was a discerning member of the church, believing some parts of the dogma/faith but dismissed others (namely, the really ridiculous stuff on issues like homosexuality and divorce and sex and there being only "one true church").

Now, two years married and almost five months pregnant I find out that he is, in fact, a crazy holy roller? Nice fucking timing.

So that's the angry part.

The sane part of me says that Brian is struggling with his faith. He wants me to make it easier for him by pretending to be something I'm not. But he and I both know that I don't lie about my spirituality. (I try not to lie, period.)

So if the baptism issue is what sends him into a crisis of faith, that's not really my problem. I think I just need to tell him that he has to work this out on his own and that it has nothing to do with me. I don't really want to hear any more about it (so as not to risk another "What if you are going to hell?" conversation) until he has decided what to do about the baptism. Brian's religion and spirituality is really none of my business.

But I have to find a way to let go of my anger about what happened last night. And I need to do that separate from him...this isn't something we should be processing together. The last thing I want to do is create a situation in his mind where he's duking it out between God/church/his family vs. me.