I think it's been a YEAR since I last updated...so here goes.

I was in Connecticut this past weekend, visiting my grandmother who's not doing well. But before I go there, let me just say that I also got to spend some time with my dear, dear friend Chion. We grew up on the same street in Connecticut and our lives have gratefully intersected a bunch of times.

I haven't seen Chion in a while - but she's one of those friends that you can fall right back into a comfortable, insightful conversation with. We spent hours together, talking about life and how we've learned and changed over the years. She's like a burst of pure light and it was so refreshing and so spiritually fulfilling to be around someone who loves life, her life, so much. Really a gift.

I got to help her flesh out a business plan for this AMAZING idea that she has for introducing sign language into her company. Sometimes I forget that even though I'm spiritual and creative and artistic, I have a really strong business sense. I don't really like that part of myself, to be honest, because I don't really value it. But using my business sense to help someone I love is a totally different story. I had so much fun helping her!

I got to spend two hours with my grandmother by myself on Saturday. She's in a rehab center for a few weeks and she's not happy about it. Gam had taken a bad fall and broken her pelvis. She had bruises on her head, face, arms, and back that made it look like someone had beaten her up with a baseball bat. My aunt and uncle had tried to prepare me for seeing her like that, but it was still pretty shocking.

Gam had a hard time holding a converstaion. Her editing skills seem to have been compromised and she is more forgetful and vacant. I had to remind her of my name when she got a phone call from one of my aunts. It's not that she didn't know who I was, she just can't recall names.

It's hard to see someone I love deteriorate like this. But Gam and I have had a conversation or two about her dying and it seems like she's ready. My intuition is telling me that she's hanging on because she doesn't want to upset her kids. But I could be totally wrong on that. I'm not sad that she's going to die; I think I've come to grips with that. But her process of dying includes pain and confusion and THAT is unbearable to me.

I knew that this trip could very well be "goodbye" for us. If she were to get very sick or sharply deteriorate when I am eight or nine months pregnant, I won't be able to travel to see her. And that means I wouldn't be able to attend a funeral, either.

I spent some more time with her on Sunday before my flight - I was with my dad this time. I got really sad before I left and started crying. Instead of fighting it, I just let it happen. Gam was sad too. Noone said that this was goodbye, and my dad was busy trying to shoo me out the door (I think he can't handle the sadness.), but I know that Gam was aware of what was going on. She teared up, too, which just about sent me over the edge. It was good, though. I got to tell her that I love her and I miss her. It was what I needed to say in person for it to feel like a real goodbye.

So I'm home now, still nursing a nasty cold with a horrible cough. But I'm feeling like I have a little more closure about my grandmother, which is the real reason I went up to CT.