I'm having an angry day today. I'm mad about a couple of things that have happened with Brian in the past couple of days. But I'm learning that I get disproportionately angry sometimes, so instead of spewing off at the mouth, I'm trying to drill down to find the truth in the matter.

Anger is kind of like my alarm/security system. When I get angry (usually at Brian or someone else close to me), it's like whistles and bells in my head that something isn't right with me.

In this case, I think it's that I'm tired and I haven't been taking very good care of myself. My anger towards Brian is based on my feeling that he's being insensitive (which he is). But if I'm not feeling good about myself or I'm expecting someone else to take care of me, of course I'll be angry and disappointed when they don't step up. It's not his job to take care of me, it's mine.

I still think he's being a dick but I think that means I just need some space from him to work my own stuff out.

And when I get the focus on me and what I'm feeling (instead of pointing fingers), I'm feeling sad and somewhat lonely. I don't need to understand why I feel that way, just that I do. I feel like I'm on my own a lot and even though I like learning about massage, I find school unfulfilling. I can't wait until I graduate in March! I need a change of pace, new blood, new surroundings.

I don't think that my loneliness will suddenly vanish when I have a new routine. But I do find that it's hard to take care of me when I'm in school, working, pregnant, and trying to renovate the house. And I don't mean take care of me in the "eating well" or "getting a pedicure" kind of sense. I mean taking care of me by meditating, creating quiet space within myself for outside possibilities, self-awareness, and quiet reflection on myself and my life.

I'm about to hop on the phone with my sponsor, who will shed some light on this for me I'm sure, but it's always good to do a little writing - if for no other reason than to just bear witness to myself today.